"It is incompleteness that haunts us." - from The Great Fire by Shirley Hazzard
We live in a difficult world and there are many ways to numb
the pain while pretending to soothe the soul. Gambling, alcohol,
drugs, eating, shopping, cyber sex, or compulsively watching
television are just a few of the choices available. Eighty percent
of the time the addiction is layered over another significant
mental struggle of depression or anxiety. Addiction becomes
a poor way to self medicate.
There are two parts at the core of addictions that make treatment
difficult. The first is fighting the willingness to constantly take the easy way out. The second is combating the power of shame & self-destructiveness. AA is a crucial piece to recovery because it is a place to share the shame & struggle which increases the potential for healing. AA becomes a safe place to practice honesty with the group, your sponsor and yourself through working the steps. Then you can carry that greater level of authenticity out into the world, understanding that avoidance & deflection only interrupt growth and problem solving.
Most people who are addicts do not think of themselves as having problems, unless they have the courage to become a member of AA or NA.
If you secretly wonder if you have a problem with an addiction,
test yourself by giving it up for a year. If your substance
was wiped off the face of the planet, you should be able to
cope. If you wince when you imagine giving up your addiction
and start playing “yes, but,” you have a problem.
(The “but” erases the yes). The problem is far larger
than you know. You’ve been lying to yourself, probably
for a very long time, in order to cover that gnawing hole of emptiness inside. One of the lies that people tell themselves is, "I don’t have an alcohol problem, I only drink on weekends."
Ask yourself the four questions from the "CAGE" quiz from the
national institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. If you answer yes to any one of these following questions then you need to be evaluated by a professional.
C: Have you thought you need
to cut-back on your drinking?
A: Are you annoyedby
others concerned by your drinking?
G: Do you have feelings of guilt
associated with your drinking?
E: Have you ever used alcohol
as an "eye-opener" first thing in the morning?
For a more in depth 20 question test, check out the Online Resources page for a link to explore alcohol dependance and abuse.
The RAPS4 has proven through research to ask similar yet better questions than CAGE. Each of these questions pertain to behaviors in the past year.
The RAPS4 Questions
1. Have you had a feeling of guilt or remorse after drinking?
2. Has a friend or a family member ever told you about things you said or did while you were drinking that you could not remember?
3. Have you failed to do what was normally expected of you because of drinking?
4. Do you sometimes take a drink when you first get up in the morning?
5. Are you drinking 5 or more drinks on an occasion and drinking as often as once a month?
A "yes" answer to at least one of the four questions suggests that your drinking is harmful to your health and well-being and may adversely affect your work and those around you.
The work of putting your identity together
and deciding how to spend the gift of time on this planet can
be overwhelming. Facing the work of building the infrastructure
of your soul instead of using can be very overwhelming, which
is why getting help makes sense.
If the addiction to drugs or alcohol has been going on for years
of wasted time, outpatient rehabilitation is a real key to success.
Rehab offers a greater intensity to treatment. If you
are lucky enough to grab onto it, it can change your whole frame of
reference surrounding the excitement of recovery. Remember
that fear and excitement
are two emotions that always travel together. Fear drives addictions
of all types and excitement can drive the choice of turning your life around.
You may ask yourself, “Can I really change?” My
answer is that anybody who wants to badly enough can, no question
about it. The problem for parents and partners of addicts is
that getting to a place of really wanting to change can be a journey of years
or an entire wasted lifetime. The average number of rehabs for an addict is four, which is evidence that recovery is not an easy path. Often addicts will give up the drug or alcohol addiction and fill the emptiness with sexual addiction instead of doing the inner identity work that is required.
Addicts tend to want to be loved no matter what and play the
victim role in most relationships. Addicts make excuses, blame
others and don’t take responsibility. Addicts suffer from
“stinkin’ thinkin’,” to quote an AA expression. When someone you love is in active addiction don’t listen to their words, follow their actions only.
There is very exciting research going on about the brain & addictions. There is no doubt that addiction is a medical condition. There is no doubt that 90 meetings in 90 days does prevent relapse because it takes at least this long for the brain to reset itself. There is no doubt that stress can increase the desire for drugs or alcohol. Please follow this link to read a Time article by Michael Lemonick on How We Get Addicted written 7/5/07.
The Drama Triangle
It has been estimated that 80% of addicts have a lack of resolution
around issues of grief or trauma. The addiction becomes a poor attempt to
heal themselves. It is the lack of resolution that becomes the unconscious
driving force. It is not the fact that trauma or a difficult childhood has occurred,
it is how you make sense of childhood or trauma, how you make unbearable
pain bearable, that matters.
Addicts play the Karpman Drama Triangle of Victim, Rescuer,
Persecutor and wear out the people they love. Examine the relationship triangle page on this web site to learn more about what this drama triangle means. The best way to move into the mentally healthy triangle is to work the steps of the program. Find a sponsor that fits who you are and make sure it’s someone who takes the steps seriously. Partners and parents
of addicts often don’t set enough clear boundaries and
play the Drama Triangle very well themselves. Partners and parents
are often codependent as well as emotionally masochistic. (Read more on codependence on this web site under anxiety.)
Thriving on the virtuous secret pain of the martyr role is also
unhealthy. A relationship with an addict cannot simply be summed
up with the thought, “They’re bad and I’m
good.”
The dance is more complex than that and you have a part in
the troubles. The dance that both parties play is summed up
in the drama triangle under relationship triangles.
Marriage & Recovery
As a psychotherapist who values couples work, I have noticed there are
not enough support systems for couples after one partner begins the recovery
process. It is no wonder that the divorce rate is so high after sobriety.
The non-using spouse needs to recognize their issues with co-dependence
and confluence. The using spouse needs to deal with recovery, finding a
sponsor, and working the 12 steps. Where is the "us," I ask?
This avoiding and deflection is a double dose: both the non-using partner and the addict contribute to
problems in the marriage. Yet, no one is serious about repair and problem solving. Many times the secret of the deep disastifaction within the marriage itself was a contributing factor in the cycle of addictions.
Barry McCarthy notes that sex can become too self-conscious when sober,
and this can be a factor in relapse. Both people have to relearn sex with each
other. Sex is just one issue that has been avoided. Power struggles, money,
children, lack of intimacy, lack of respect etc. are huge hurdles. Everything must
be looked at without the veil of alcohol and co-dependence.
Roles in marriage must be redefined with the newfound alertness that
recovery offers. The non-drinking partner must face what was missing in the
marriage and not pretend the only issue was the drinking.
The history of deception and betrayal rob the couple of the possibility
for trust. Partners are easily slammed into either/or thinking and blame.
Support for honesty and more authentic wrestling with problems is crucial in order
to sustain the marriage. Couples work involves re learning how to talk and talk and talk. The therapist is like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz squeezing oil onto the Tin Man so he can talk after being rusted shut. One classic sticking point for a couple is the drinking partner gets exhausted by feeling everything is all their fault and the non-drinking partner feels "You had a whole life I never knew existed and stupid questions pop up for me every day!" Trust has been deeply torn for both and talking is the only way to begin to see each other and
restore the fragile beginning of renewal. Talking instead of blame and accusations is the last thing either feels safe to do.
One example of the deeper work of repair in a recovering marriage is the fifth step of making amends. It is not enough for the recovering spouse to admit that they are sorry, that is only half an accomplishment. The recovering spouse must find the courage to hear the specifics of what the pain was for the non-using partner. In our home, it was never enough to say "I'm sorry", it is important to know what exactly you are sorry for. The non-using spouse needs to have the honor of their exact pain being witnessed. This is a very complicated and crucial part of real repair for couples.
The addict must not fall in the trap of taking the easy way out and
ignoring the specifics of truth. The co-dependent spouse has to pursue the same
path of truth even though it is painful. Honest despair offers greater hope than
all the false illusions of the past.
Addictive Thinking, Second Edition: Understanding Self-Deception by Abraham J. Twerski, several people have decided to go into recovery after reading this powerful book.
Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic by Janet Woititz
Drinking, a Love Story by Caroline Knapp is a wonderful book, the title says it all.
A
Drinking Life: A Memoir by Pete Hammill, a truthful personal history.
Sober
for Good by Anne Fletcher, based on interviews with 222 people.
First-Year Sobriety: When All That Changes Is Everything by Guy Kettlehack, a
survival guide.
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