"Time is short & here's the damn thing about it
You're gonna die, gonna die for sure
And you can learn to live with love or without it
But there ain't no cure"
- lyrics from the song Slow Turning by John Hiatt
The core of love is being able to authentically be yourself with someone else and being able to open yourself up to change and growth with that other person. This is why love depends on trust and honesty. Growth and change are very fearsome directions that can only happen if there is respect. In the movie As Good as it Gets, Jack Nicholson's character tells Helen Hunt's character, "You make me want to be a better man" - and it's the best compliment she has ever had. That scene captures the purpose of love. When love works, we teach each other to be better people.
We partner up with who we imagine the other to be and then too
often we are ready to quit in years 6-10 without enough effort
at solving the troubles. (see Projections
on this web site)
Couples can recover from dishonesty. They do not recover
from loss of respect. Ask yourself, "In my heart, do
I respect my partner?"
Affairs are symptoms of problems in the relationship. Couples
are most often in trouble because they have deflected and avoided
dealing with the problems. They stop talking to each other in
any real way until they are ready to go and it is too late.
It is crucial that the partner who has been betrayed by an affair
not move into too high a degree of self-righteousness. Trade
self-righteousness in for self examination. For example, even
if there is a long history of affairs, take ownership of your
obliviousness.
Two problems underneath affairs that must be solved:
1) The one who had the affair wants out
2) The one who was betrayed wants penance. A good book that examines marriage and affairs
would be Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. She also wrote an article for iVillage titled "10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse". (When you follow the link it will ask for a keyword,just type in the author's name Shirley Glass.)
Problems in life are in the extremes; this is the communication
pattern of most couples. How to talk in the middle ground to
solve problems is a mystery to most. Avoiding the sweet spice
of conflict is a mistake, conflict does not have to be ugly.
In fact, conflict is growth trying to happen. Our culture values individualism so highly that we often don't ask
ourselves how much accommodation can you each risk? Balancing both conflict and
accommodation is a tricky business.
People often translate the idea of "not wanting to hurt someone"
into an excuse for taking the short term easier path of silence.
Switch into the long term approach of teaching someone else
who you really are. The goal would be for dialogue instead of
truncated monologues which are far less interesting. Dialogue
is more scary because it means you are open to change and are
willing to be disagreed with. One of the reasons the TV show
West Wing was such a hit is because it offered that rare commodity
of real dialogue. Characters were often changed by each other's
perspective which was so much more juicy than the cardboard characters
of other shows.
The Space Between People
This is the space between people. It could be divided up in
many ways.
Often the space is divided up like this:
This is where one person takes up too much space and one person
takes up too little. Another way to picture this energy is this:
Too Little (above): These people tend to be very
"other focused." Good caretakers. Too Little people
tend to be people pleasing and codependent or mushballs who
go along with other people’s agendas and lose track of
their own. Too Little people overly value looking like the
'nice one' to the outside world. Learn from the Too Much people to speak up and learn
your wants.
Practice: Try naming small wants off a menu at a restaurant, medium wants by planning the weekend’s entertainment,
or large wants by choosing where the family vacation will
be. Learn to see and be yourself more. Stop enabling others
to erase you. Read Codependent
No More and Beyond
Codependency by Melodie Beattie.
Too Much (above): These people tend to be very
self-focused, good at defining themselves. Too Much people tend
to interrupt, be rude or full of themselves. Your agenda is
not the only one that matters. Access empathy for others. Learn
from the Too Little people to sacrifice, edit and back up. Listen.
Practice: Try really seeing and hearing others. Reflect back what
you hear to see if you really know where they’re coming
from. Put your hand over your mouth so you don’t interrupt.
Negotiate and make fair deals instead of riding roughshod over
others.
BOTH: BOTH "Too Much" and "Too Little" are two different styles that cover up insecurities. Bluster, Huff & Puff or Hiding & Passivity are two different defense systems. Both are struggling with fears of how to define themselves to navigate relationships. Both are problematic conclusions because they are too lopsided in the chosen style.
Achieving Range
The downside of "Too Little" is that they can be anxious
and fearful — sometimes inadequate and boring. The downside
of "Too Much" is that they can be too full of themselves,
too excited, sometimes arrogant or obnoxious.
Just as the polarities of fear and excitement always travel
together to increase the possibilities of emotional range, often
the opposites of too much and too little attract because we
are supposed to learn from each other and grow. The "Snail"
(too little) needs a few arrows outward and the "Arrows"
(too much) need to be pulled in. Growing up is taking
greater responsibility to have more range. The goal is to respect
and value both, to become both:
The Snails become able to take care of themselves and redefine
"selfish" as "defining oneself more clearly."
The Arrows learn to edit, to see others more carefully, recognize
"enough" as a new language to learn.
This final drawing uses arrows to define the growth and change
for both Too Much and Too Little:
Two "Too Littles" can flatline in life too easily.
It is crucial that they learn to enlarge their world through curiousity and
imagination. They must support each other to be bolder. An example of this
can be found on the television show "Monk" (the way detective Monk
is supported by his female sidekick). This relationship often occurs later in life when both individuals have been mistreated
by previous partners and this dynamic offers a safe haven.
Two Too Littles
Two Too Littles missing the boat with each other
Two Too Littles who've learned to heal and grow with true dialogue
Two
"Too Muchs" are couples I privately refer to as couples who put
my head in a vice. They both fill up the room with their
own agenda and each wants to be told they’re the one who
is right. They are two fortified castles with very little interest
in changing themselves. Throw drugs and alcohol into the mix
and it can get very ugly.
Frida
is a wonderfully visual movie that captures a relationship where
there are two "too much's" in a relationship.
Unhappy Partnerships
Let’s use President Bush and Al Gore as an example of an
unhappy
partnership. Bush is Too Much and Al Gore is Too Little. It
is my belief that President Bush is better at making statements and
Al Gore is better at asking questions. If Bush, flush with the
success of winning, had invited Al Gore to be a part of his cabinet
in an effort to value the support of 50% of the country, he would
have created more opportunity for dialogue. (Of course, this
would also have applied to Gore if he had won.) It is a statement
about our culture’s simplicity that the complexity of having
the “loser” as part of a cabinet is a laughable fantasy,
though in TV Land, Martin Sheen did hire a republican because
a great leader can be disagreed with.
There are 4 values that are crucial to making a relationship
work.
1. Respect
Too Little's need more self respect.
Too Much's need more respect for others.
Respect is the most crucial ingredient in marriage. If mutual respect is
not a part of the relationship, I often hear the death bell toll.
In a 1995 workshop, Olga Silverstein discussed a stuck pattern she often
sees in her work. The woman refuses to have sex with the man she doesn't
respect. The man finds that the only way to be a man and feel some measure of
self-respect is not to follow her direction. This is a very sad paradox that is all
too common.
2. Openness to Change
A foundation of respect can lower the fear factor.
Learning from the differences makes life so much more interesting. No one
has a corner on the "this is how to live" market. There is merit and weakness
to all polarities i.e. -
Learning how to fit in and value appearances vs. being feisty and caring less
what others think.
Respond by allowing your partner's opposite point of view to emerge instead of reacting or erasing.
3. Fairness
Too Much's need to recognize when they are being unfair.
4. Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say
Too Littles in particular need to pursue this, however everyone
benefits from this. For example, if you don’t know if you’ll
be home by 8, say what's real. If you are afraid to say it, then there
is a power dynamic problem.
Partners get hardened and calloused when they don't feel seen. The most
important thing you can do in a values collision is to talk and talk and talk
and talk and talk about it to keep softening it. Couples therapy supports this
process. The therapist is the grease that prevents the conversation from
becoming emotionally hijacked.
An exercise that teaches greater elegance is to acknowledge the other
person's point of view first regarding a difficult issue as a way of demonstrating
that you know what's important to them.
Another exercise is to think about how you give to your partner. We usually
give each other what we want to receive. Instead give the other what they want.
The Power Struggle
There is the obvious problem of: Too Much - constant demands; insistence on the right to
know how things should be; expectations tend to be unreasonable vs.
Too Little - when disappointments are silently tallied they become exaggerated,
the passive aggressive power of avoidance and deflection; unshared information is unshared
power; they side step and don’t solve wants more directly.
These two dynamics often end up stuck with solutions nowhere
in
sight. This power dynamic also feeds the victim, rescuer, persecutor
game. (Illustrated in the Relationship Triangles section) Both of these positions are
ripe for full steam ahead manipulation.
Codependency involves a power struggle. Codependency in
partnerships is where one is the wise caretaker and the other
is helpless. Neither of these positions is respectful. As one
of my clients said "It was a lousy way to relate to
people because I didn't allow her to be strong, and it made me
a wreck to try so hard."
Making a deal involves thinking about the "us" of a couple. It
is a
third entity beyond the "I of the Too Much" or the "You of the
Too Little". Let's take the issue of coming home for dinner. Solve which
are the 3-4 nights to be home and which are the 3-4 nights of
latitude. Decide it weekly if your schedule is unbearably frantic.
Solutions and the ability to negotiate are very important adult
skills. Temper tantrums and manipulation should only be occasional,
not a pattern of how two people interact.
You Want Your Partner Back
(More than anyone could ever understand) If this is true you
would be the "Pursuer". The psychological profile of
the Pursuer is "I'll do anything if you'll only return," so
they're heavily into begging. The pursued only wants out, feels mistreated
and invisible, and is heavily into blaming. This pattern of begging and
blaming tends to be dead in the water, going no where.
If you really want someone back, you will discover that chasing
after them does not work because they run further away.
Even though this does not work, Pursuers continue to Pursue.
The Pursued feels suffocated by the chase and continues to run
away. There is a solution that will be very hard to bear or
put into practice. It is the ONLY way to succeed.
The Pursuer Must Back Up!
Backing up feels impossible because it is the opposite of what
you want. Being able to take action in the opposite direction
of what you want is a sign of growing up. Wisdom is the understanding
of paradox in life. If the person you love is feeling chased,
you must learn to value their experience instead of insisting
on your own needs.
The Pursued is already feeling that they are not truly "seen"
by the
Pursuer. Then the Pursuer proves this to be true by ignoring
the fact that the Pursued feels stifled and unknown. Backing
up offers the Pursuer the opportunity to have more perspective
and to begin to see the Pursued more clearly. If you are a Pursuer,
ask yourself: How have you missed out on respecting and repairing
the relationship? Face these truths and don't add to the pile
of your mistakes. Don't make excuses or false promises. If you
back up from your yearning, then you stand a chance of winning the Pursued back rather than chasing them away. In fact, the Pursued and Pursuer will switch positions (I guarantee it IF it's a situation where there is real hope).
If you truly feel "unable to back up," you are obsessed. **Please
read obsessiveness on the anxiety page of this web site.
It would be wise to remember these words from Carl Whitaker, a famous family therapist, "Hope is often disappointment deferred."
Breaking-Up and Making-Up
Many couples have a pattern of getting together and breaking
up over and over and over again. This pattern is often driven
by insecurities; it's one way to create drama. Drama is often
a substitute for the fundamentally hard work of making room
for differences in relationships. This is a simple suggestion
for couples with this pattern; don't return to each other's
arms without each agreeing to two improvements and then take action on those two improvements.
Then "walk the walk, don't just talk the talk" to
borrow a valuable phrase from AA.
Differences
Men have a tendency to want to fix tears or problems with solutions.
This is depicted in the film treasure White
Men Can't Jump when Rosie Perez asks Woody Harrelson to
understand her thirstiness without getting a glass of water
and he is completely baffled. Many times women are really looking
for a witness when they are troubled. They want silent listening,
perhaps a warm gesture and they are not ready for action. So
men might teach themselves to be a witness instead of an action
hero. Witnessing can be far more profound and powerful than
it may feel.
Another common gender difference is that men get overwhelmed and women
will keep pounding their point home or pile on more issues. Women often do not
recognize that men are flooded out with too much information.
Men are often oblivious, which can drive women crazy. It's important to
recognize obliviousness can be a strength, like a raincoat in a storm. Women
can get very frustrated by obliviousness, and very wrapped up in absorbing
details. For example, knowing the kind of underwear the other woman wore is not
really a good piece of information to have. It may become a burden that one
obsesses over, ending up in the need to extract penance. Women often have
anniversary reactions for two or three years after an affair has been discovered. If
men prepared themselves to expect this, it would be helpful.
Emotional honesty requires conflict and disagreements, which add spice
to a relationship. Our culture has it all backwards; we don't tell the
truth, using the excuse of not hurting others. Politeness builds a measure
of comfort that can be dangerous to the true wrestling of differences that
intimacy requires. Remember that conflict is a sign of growth. If there is no disagreement be on the lookout for a codependent relationship instead of an authentic loving relationship. (See description of codependency under anxiety on this web site).
Keep in mind what John Gottman, a researcher on marriage,
says, "Some irreconcilable differences take years to
solve." Stay honest and value the process.
Power
Intimacy requires shared power. That is why hierarchical love
relationships often do not endure over time. An emblematic example of this
would be the relationship between The professor and the awestruck
student. Mutual respect means a willingness to share power.
Here is a quick exercise that gives you a picture of the power dynamic in
your relationship:
Have each partner draw a circle. In blue ink define the ways you have
power in the relationship. In black ink define the ways the other person has
power in the relationship. Keep in mind that there are many ways to have
power. These include who makes financial decisions, who does or doesn't do
chores, who disciplines the kids, who decides where to go on vacation, who
is in control of whether or not to be social, etc. Keep in mind the person
who wants sex the least has the most sexual power.
The partner with the greatest integrity (a kind of power that may or may
not be valued in the relationship) is the one who is willing to acknowledge
that they were wrong instead of insisting they were right. A partner who is
willing to build a bridge over to the other and acknowledge the differences
is very classy. Personal defensiveness only interferes with bridging or
repairs. A willingness to bridge and consider repair is a very important
power to recognize in a relationship. John Gottman, Ph.D. is well known for
24 years of research in marital stability. John Gottman defines ugly power
with the label "the four horsemen of the apocalypse of
marriage:"
1) contempt
2) hostile criticism
3) denial
4) withdrawal
Please take a look at his web site Gottman.com
or a web site he and other experts contribute to at Lovegevity.com
People in sucessful marriages learn how to solve conflict and support their
partner. Do you know how your partner defines support or do you only know
what you've decided is supportive?
Men define support as being there, while most women want more overt support. Two-thirds
of divorce are initiated by women. Often the emotional divorce happens years
before the legal divorce.
Money can be a real source of power plays. If one partner wants financial
autonomy in a marriage, that can be balanced with an account where money is
merged. An account where the partner who makes twice as much, makes a twice as much contribution i.e. 600 dollars for every 300 dollars the other partner contributes. This account would be one way to defuse
the power. Men still carry the cultural expectation of being the provider.
Relationships where the man makes less money than the woman often have
greater struggles. A useful book to look at money issues is Money
Harmony by Olivia Mellan.
Parental History
If you are a heterosexual female, your relationship with your
father is the template for your choice in men. Pick three adjectives
to describe your relationship with your father. Do any of the
three apply to the relationship with your current partner? If
you are a heterosexual male, pick three adjectives to describe
your relationship with your mother.
A book that explores this in greater depth is Getting
the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix. He includes
a number of exercises. Try to envision these exercises as a way to help you and
your partner begin to imagine your future.
An example of how family history might play out
would be a man who doesn't cooperate with chores because he's afraid of being
a wimp like his dad. She ends up not respecting him because she defines
chores as a way to care for her.
It's a good idea to think about your family of origin -
Every family has strengths and weaknesses. Ask yourself: how did you know you were
loved? Even though I never remember hearing the words, "I love you" from my
father's German stoic self, I knew I was loved. Think about how you learned to
behave in your family and the messages you received.
Consider how people in your family respond to good news. In 2004 Shelly
Gable, an Assistant Professor of Psychology at UCLA, has done research that proves
an enthusiastic response to good news contributes to a good marriage. So, if
not noticing or attending to good news was a stoic family trait, it is a habit
carried into new relationships that can be destructive instead of
constructive.
Homework:
• The Snail is better at asking questions, so the homework
is to make more statements defining yourself: "Here I am."
Not asking and not saying keeps your world too small.
• Arrows are better at making statements, so the homework
is to ask more questions to learn to see the other person more
clearly: "Where are you?"
• Tape record arguments, then listen.
• After the Affair by Janis A. Spring is another book to consider.
• DivorceBusting.com - Go to the messageboard to find a supportive cyber community of solution oriented folks.
Copyright 2002 © Rhoda Mills Sommer
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