| INTRODUCTION |
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| ADDICTIONS |
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| ANXIETY & CODEPENDENCY |
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| BOOKS |
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| COUPLE'S
TROUBLES |
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DEPRESSION & EXPECTATIONS
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| DIVORCE & BLACK/WHITE THINKING/FEELING |
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| EMOTIONS, ANGER, GUILT, & EMOTIONAL HONESTY |
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FAMILIES,
CRYING, CHOICES,
& PAIN |
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| FORGIVENESS, IRONY, PITY & RESPECT |
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| GRIEF & FATIGUE |
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HAPPINESS
&
VITALITY IN LIVING |
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MOVIES
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PARENTING
&
PARENTING ADOLESCENTS |
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| RELATIONSHIP
TRIANGLES & MANIPULATION |
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| SELF-HATRED,
SELF ESTEEM, BOREDOM, RESENTMENTS, & PROJECTION |
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| SEXUALITY |
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| SINGLE
& DATING |
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| ONLINE RESOURCES |
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| RELATIONSHIP REALITIES BLOG |
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Depression & Expectations
"People who suffer a lot, often times do so, because they are cognitively wrong about what they think they have a right to expect." - Abraham H. Maslow
Depression
Depression can be an organic disease in which the chemistry does not work correctly in
the brain. Depression can also be a learned behavior, a cocoon of helplessness that
requires interruption. Sometimes depression can be a combination
of both. Getting an evaluation for medication can be an excellent
action for self-care.
What Causes Depression
"Despair is the only cure for your illusions."- Alexander Lowen
One theory is that depression is often anger turned inward;
unexpressed wants that have been swallowed. Learning to express
anger as a way of discovering more about your wants can raise
your level of awareness. Try writing a letter to someone with whom you
are angry, and end the letter with what you want. Don’t
send the letter—it’s purpose is to work for you. Aimed
anger that is an attack is not useful in relationships.
Remember that anger never destroys anyone, though it may destroy an image or
illusion. Anger clears the air, and lets new truths emerge. You
might consider speaking up in some small way after you learn
more about your wants. If that feels impossible, try returning
to your five senses in the here and now and pay attention to the
wants they will lead you to.
Curiosity is another avenue to discovering wants. Try to remember yourself as a child. What
was something you were curious about and didn’t have the
time or resources to explore? It's not enough just to think about things; you need to act. Follow that up with an inexpensive
lifetime learning class at your local community college.
A fresh way to look at depression would be as accumulated intentions that
never get finished. Depression is interrupting to the self so you never get
what you want. Ultimately, then, depression is about hiding. It can serve a
purpose in the sense that it can anesthetize emotions that you feel
overwhelmed by.
Depression can be triggered by people or events, an old friend
who goes out of his/her way to remind you of something you are
ashamed of, for example. It is very important to learn what your
triggers are and to solve the question of how to do things differently. If Sunday
nights before you return to work on Monday are traditionally
bad times, create a new Sunday night ritual that is more interesting
than being alone with the depression.
Childhood trauma of sexual or physical abuse can lead to a lifelong
struggle with depression. The child persuaded to keep secrets has had their spirit
squeezed way too early in life. The secret keeper is always the most damaged.
To understand the impact of trauma, read the book Trauma and Recovery by
Judith Herman.
Creativity, Choices, Illusions and Anxiety
One of my favorite writers who discusses depression is James Hillman. In The
Blue Fire, he suggests that depression is an
invitation to be more creative with your life. This is borne out by the fact that many accomplished people have struggled with it. Perhaps Abraham Lincoln would not have
written the Gettysburg Address without the push of depression.
How can you tap into the creative edge of depression? Try writing a letter to an old friend
that you have fallen out of touch with or telling a favorite
aunt how she was important to your growing up.
When there is a lot of despair, it means there is not enough access to
choices. Going to therapy or talking to a good friend is a way to embrace more
possibilities.
Depression can be about the death of our illusions. Honest despair can be
like roto-tilling the land for a garden in the spring. Honest despair about
what we used to believe (I'll be successful, handsome, etc.) can evolve into a
useful new beginning.
The following quote from Flesh and Bone by Michael Cunningham reveals the power of the false fantasy in "waiting
for the perfect man." Will is accepting letting go of the illusion in order to make room for the real human
Harry. He is developing a new allegiance to reality as outlined in the following quote:
"He started living with satisfaction, a kind of satisfaction. The
satisfaction of bread and talk. The hours of his days took on a new shape, squarer,
more densely packed. He lived as himself and he lived as the younger man who
was loved by Harry and he lived, obscurely, as Harry, too. The old floating
feeling seemed to be going away, though it was subject to fits of return. When it
went away Will found in its place a simple joy and a new disappointment. His
disappointment fluttered around the edges of his contentment, persistent as a
bee. Now he wouldn't be present for the perfect man, the one who stopped time
with the powerful slumber of his muscles. If that man existed - that cheerful
and bulky spirit - Will would not meet him because he'd found this one instead,
a kind man with thinning hair. Something was marrying him; something was
lashing itself to his flesh. He felt exultant and, less often, disconsolate... He worried over everything that
could happen, all the accidents in the world, and he cried, sometimes, from a
sorrow and a happiness he couldn't name."
Anxiety is a powerful trigger to depression. If you are able to make anxiety
bearable, take risks, and enlarge your world, you will be less prone to
depression. If anxiety strangles choices, then it is likely depression will be
nipping at your heels.
When you are depressed it is important to restore movement to
your life through your emotions and your thinking.
There Are At Least Three Ways That People
Get Stuck
1. Black-White Thinking
No grays. People love making everything into good or bad. This
creates the temporary balm of simplifying their emotions. Everything
is 1 or 10 without any 4, 5, or 6.
The more mentally healthy you are, the more you can embrace complexity.
For example, a person could be clear about both their own regrets of divorce and
what was learned or successful during the history of a marriage, rather than, just being angry and blaming the other.
2. Guilt
Guilt is divided into obligation and resentment. When expectations
are reasonable, obligation is not a problem. This applies to
expectations we have of ourselves and expectations others may
have of us. When expectations are unreasonable, resentment occurs. Unexpressed
resentments tend to be with others. Our unspoken feelings
then chew away at our sense of self when we fail to tell the
other person that their expectations are unreasonable. Some
ethnic groups, such as Catholics and Jews and those who grew
up with guilt as a heavy-weight parenting tool will find these
distinctions hard to make. This lack of distinction feeds
depression.
3. Shame
Shame is important to pinch us towards being a better person.
Unfortunately, people are too often drawn into shame and sink
under its weight. This only contributes to staying stuck.
One opposite of shame is belonging. One reason self-help
groups are so powerful is because shame is shared and the
experience of belonging helps grease the wheels of change. If
there is a trusted friend that you can share the shame of
sharing an STD it will help diffuse your pain. Shame born in
silence is often unbearable. Follow this link to the self-hatred section for suggestions to restore movement.
Penance
This involves taking the combination of guilt and shame too
far. The individual makes choices as a way of payback for
an exaggerated belief of misdoing. Penance thrives on self-hatred.
We are more comfortable with self-hating than with figuring
out forgiveness. This self-designed punishment can take a
lifetime. It is crucial to understand that it is a wasteful
illusion. Be aware if a partner is trying to extract
punishment.
Homework:
• Check in with your PCP to rule out a vitamin B-12 deficiency or a thyroid problem.
• Finish this sentence as many times as possible: "I
am angry about __________!"
When you've completed the sentences, ask yourself, "Is
there a want that you can speak up about or take action on?"
• Read Undercurrents
by Martha Manning - A therapist's reckoning with her own
depression.
• Read The
Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, MD
This book offers a healthy dose of cognitive restructuring.
• Two resources for bipolar people; An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamisen
and MSN.com - go to groups - bipolar.
• See the movie Ulee's Gold.
Expectations
“Remember this, very little is needed to make a joyful life. It is all in your way of thinking.” –Marcus Aurelius
Your expectations are not what is.
Often therapy is about the disparity between expectations and reality. Greater honesty in facing reality is a place of greater soul and greater maturity. Reality really is your best friend. Growing up in the 50’s with Lassie, Leave it to Beaver, and Ozzie & Harriet seemed false and surreal even then. Grimm’s Fairy Tales offered a glimpse of harshness, struggle and a preparation for a future where terrible things are possible. Witches, trolls, and evil had to be faced with honesty, honor, and courage. These are all the underpinning of character. It is ironic that fairy tales offered a safe connection to reality while television in the 50’s struck such a false note and really helped create exaggerated expectations.
Disappointment is a huge part of life and kids that are too entitled are not going to learn that lesson early enough. I would say, “You need more practice in disappointment,” to my kids when a “No” would illicit too big a response. Consider the first time a child loses their balloon, or a pet as small glimpses into reality that prepare them for the future.
It's important to make disappointment bearable for our entire lives. It's work to feel it and comfort yourself, as all of us must bear disappointment. If disappointment is not made bearable, there are two ugly choices:
1. Spray your expectations over everyone else
or
2. Hold your expectations in and become paralyzed with regret and resentment.
In 2003, research has proven that we do mellow as we age, which is in part due to the weathering life offers. As the Rolling Stones acknowledged, we may not get what we want, but we can figure out how to get what we need.
Expectations can work as an inner push, but not if taken to levels of perfectionism.
Expectations can be helpful as fuel, unless you are drowning
yourself in them which is too harsh on the inner spirit. It’s difficult to keep desires balanced and ignited at the same time.
There are cultural expectations of specifically high SAT scores, of marriage within an ethnic group, of sons who are catered to and do not do chores that are required of daughters, etc. Each individual has to do the work of sorting out his/her own direction in the midst of these demands. It will be a different answer for each of us.
Bitterness is the result of unmet expectations as a pattern over time. Bitterness is a very dangerous path that very few ever return from. I remember our family’s dance teacher who described leaving her studio in Hawaii to care for her mother in Pittsburgh. She appeared to be perpetually sad at having left her life behind. Recently I was at a blues concert, distracted by the son of the singer who radiated bitterness and misery. It was more than desultory playing. Bitterness feels irrevocable and permanent because it can become a way of life.
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