Nice guys finish last in relationships. This means you aren’t making enough clear statements about who you are and what you want.
Too often nice guys will hide their own wants in a question. So they ask, “Will you have the kids fed?” instead of the more authentic statement, “I’d like you to have the kids fed when I get home. Does that work for you?”
In the beginning of a relationship you score a lot of points when you sublimate your own wants. However over the long haul this will be a big problem because you will have a hand in erasing yourself.
So if you’re too nice and disappear by asking questions most of the time, then the solution is simple: Make more statements and risk the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen. This is a path to having more self-respect.
Someone who is too demanding has the opposite problem. This is often labeled “high maintenance” in popular culture. One example would be someone who points her finger and orders, “You have to find more things to do for yourself.” She could very well be right, but it’s all lost in the presentation. Demands can so easily be disrespectful – respect is the cornerstone of longevity in all relationships.
Someone who demands too much, needs to learn to ask more questions. “What makes it hard for you to do more things for yourself?” or “It’s easy for me to do things for myself, is there anything I can do differently to help you have time to do more for yourself.” These questions will prompt serious dialogue that could, bare minimum, improve understanding.
Questions contain that crucial ingredient of respect for the other that is too easily lost in the intensity of emotional demands. Then it is all too easy to reach manipulation, which is the next level of disrespect for others.
So ask yourself do you hide out in questions too easily or do you take up too much room in the relationship by being too demanding?
Please read Couples Troubles on my website to learn more about this dynmaic. (The link is in the upper right hand corner.)
