"Motherhood had been very real, very quotidian [ordinary], a primal human relationship, full of devotion and effort and strain, fraught with bitter calculation and the intimate battle of wills."
- from Holy Fire by Bruce Sterling

"The realities of well-intentioned workaholic households don't always favor healthy child-rearing"
- Mike Linderman

Parenting

The first four years of life are so important that Judith Wallerstein, a child psychologist with thirty years in divorce research, doesn’t recommend divorce when kids are toddlers. Wallerstein also discourages divorce at age twelve due to the onset of adolescence. She was quoted in Time magazine on April 14th, 2003, "No Fault Divorce?"
 
Walking by the fountain at Chautauqua Institution, I overheard a mother with her toddler: "Promise me you will love your brother Charley forever and ever. Promise you will always share with Charley etc." It would be such an improvement if she did not extract impossible promises and would really see her daughter. If she truly could see her daughter instead of her own agenda, she might say more authentically: "I know it’s really hard to share your toys, Charley is younger than you and needs more help." First acknowledge her daughter’s truth—then what benefits Charley. Acknowledging where people are first, before requiring the good deed would be better than what really amounts to a "guilt trip."

The most important thing you can do as a parent if you’ve made a dreadful mistake, is to acknowledge the truth. The truth is the path that authenticity and trust builds on. I apologize more than anybody in our family (my kids say that’s because I need to most often). My son apologizes the least, but it’s not from a lack of role modeling on my part. Step up to the plate and acknowledge when you overreact instead of pretending it’s forgotten.
 
We all have our strengths and weaknesses as parents. So many believe going to therapy means blaming mom or dad. In reality, personal therapy is about understanding a more accurate picture of who we are. What are the strengths, weaknesses and missing parts? A majority of families have things they do well, combined with dysfunctional parts. This is why the African saying, "It takes a village to raise a child," is such a healthy idea. It is impossible for us to do all the parts well every year.

Therapy is a way of putting a picture together in order to feel more whole. In 2003, I attended a workshop with Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., an authority on brain research as it relates to parenting, he said the #1 factor in poor parenting is the group of parents who had poor childhoods themselves and who didn’t solve making their childhood pain bearable. He has a terrific book designed to increase thoughtfulness about this called Parenting From the Inside Out, co-authored with Mary Hartzel.
 
If you are divorced and parenting, do not buddy up with your kids against the other parent. Kids really need both of you. Splitting kids’ loyalties is an emotionally dangerous business. It’s important to go so far as to acknowledge your spouse’s strengths, and to be specific so it’s more real. 

Even though sex education may make you very uncomfortable it is really important to offer your children. A useful book on sex that is written for younger children and is delightful would be "Where Did I Come From?" by Peter Mayle.

Learning Problems

When challenges are either too great or too simple, kids struggle with learning. The skills they develop must equal the challenges they face. It’s important to understand difference in learning and Dr. Mel Levine has a terrific web site at All Kinds of Minds, that parents should seek out. He also has a book called, The Myth of Laziness.

Parenting Adolescents



"Remember that too much obedience will end up in spite."
- Fritz Perls

"When you are a parent you are asked two questions a thousand times a day. Do you love me? Are you tough enough to handle this?" - Bob Vandepol

Remember that acting out is the beginning of independence. Adolescence is traditionally a time of pushing boundaries and rejecting values instilled by parents. I I have taken the liberty of defining adolescence as the ages 13-25. Expect a high level of self-absorption during this time. They are the center of the universe. Recognize as a parent you clearly are a constant source of embarrassment and know they are also easily embarrassed. It's a time for risk taking, and being both scared and excited when going off to college is the right mix.

If parents push kids to fit the parents' definitions and back them into a corner to be extremely good, I guarantee that you will have problems. Balance this understanding with the clarity that kids are not in charge. Kids should not be allowed to negotiate their way out of everything. Privileges are not an entitlement; they need to be earned. Kids must learn to keep their word. Consequences teach kids to think. Consequences cannot be empty threats. It’s better not to create consequences in the first flush of crisis, because they are often completely unreal or there is a lack of follow-thru - go to NBC or NetFlix and watch Friday Night Lights. It's a terrific show that rings true about adolescent struggles.

Below are insights derived from a November 2005 workshop with Ron Taffel Ph.D. (Shared with his permission).

Research shows that families that share meals together have healthier kids. Families today are missing too many rituals and rules. A ritual can be as simple as pizza together on Sunday night. Kids end up having rituals with each other instead of their families.

Kids today have lost track of who they are because they are caught up with looking beautiful, consumerism, and celebrity.

Parents are terrible listeners. Parents lecture based on their assumptions. This is compounded by adolescents who often have bad timing when they’re ready to talk. When you listen to your children remember that kids live in the details of things. Have the patience to stick with the superficial because if you listen well the conversation will evolve to important places.

Dr. Taffel offers these three words in his practice with adolescents; Delay, Delay, Delay. Kids are so bombarded by bad choices in drinking and oral sex that delay becomes an excellent goal. Parents and kids too often don’t accurately know each other. You want to take the risk of knowing your kids because there is no greater gift you can give them or receive from them.

Dr. Taffel has two books he co-wrote with Melinda Blau Ph.D. “Nurturing Good Children Now: 10 Basic Skills to Protect and Strengthen Your Child’s Core Self” or Published in paperback March 2007 “Parenting by Heart: How to stay Connected to Your Child in a Disconnected World.”

Freedom & Power

When my son left for college I asked him "What was the best part of his life?" he responded immediately with two words "It's mine." Freedom and power are what they crave, so think of creative ways to give them both, or be prepared for lying as one way adolescents will protect their freedom.

Do you remember being a teenager and wanting freedom and power? You certainly didn't want to consider how you might be like your parents. Remember your own adolescent struggles. Some acting out is helpful in stretching boundaries and differentiating.

Here is an example of a healthy acting out. In the summer before 12th grade, my son was cited along with four friends for laying hot dogs in the road and laughing, holding up a bright neon-orange sign that spelled out, "Caution-Hotdogs" (which was later introduced as evidence). There was no drinking or drugs, just a great clean prank. When my husband told a friend who happened to be a city magistrate about the legal brouhaha, she wished that she had to deal with that kind of problem. This is the kind of trouble you wish for and it has the added bonus of learning more respect for authority. Adolescents are trying to define themselves as different than their parents. Parents need to have respect for the process along with a balance of clear limits and boundaries.

Respect problems are classic. My biggest improvement with my daughter was to not take things so personally, to be able to be more indifferent. It helps to understand parents are considered annoying. Risk asking your teen in what specific ways you are annoying to learn more respect for their point of view.

Adolescents should not be seen as peers or friends who can do anything they want. It does need to be respected that they are testing limits. Adolescents are a delicious blend of polarities: they can be very loyal and take you completely for granted. They can chatter and communicate and be very withdrawn. They can surprise you by being both very responsible and very irresponsible. They can be so smart and bright and make very foolish mistakes. They can be independent and dependent. It is very intense for everyone in the family to bounce around in all of those possibilities. 

Adolescents can be very creative in ways to get to you because they are oh-so-determined to win. 

There are really six things you can do to be better at parenting adolescents: 

1. Get indifferent/Don’t get caught up in the drama
I remember threatening my father with, "I’m leaving" and he would take all the wind out of my sails by saying, "I’ll help you pack your bags"

2. Listen/Don’t preach/Be curious
Listen, listen, listen without judgment, and put your hand over your mouth to prevent preaching. Preaching and complaining can be such a one-dimensional relationship, make the more interesting choice to be curious instead. Create a three-dimensional relationship.

3. Be consistent and fair with rules and consequences/Don’t blow up and dump
Impulsively blowing up is the trap of mirroring their system, of being like them, which is a mistake.

4. Be honest and vulnerable/Don’t be prickly and defensive.
If you can acknowledge your own mistakes, it keeps things more authentic. Remember, intimacy is built upon shared power. Share your own experience of being self-righteous and perhaps they can begin to see themselves.

5. Remember kids need room to make their own mistakes and learn from those mistakes. Remember that kids' brains do not become hard wired for improved judgment until age 25.

6. Expect values to clash.
It’s part of separation and healthy individualism. Adolescents must juggle becoming their singular self, balanced with enduring connections to others. Parents must support both sides of this effort.

Anger

"Anger is a gift." - Zack de la Rocha (former lead singer of Rage Against the Machine)

Anger can be reframed as a way to assert power. Make a distinction between how to be angry in a way that can lead to changing a deal vs. ugly anger that is out of line and just serves to shut down the deal.

When a teen is angry with you, try to acknowledge whatever responsibility you can about the truth. The more you model stepping up to the plate, the more likely your kid will be able to learn to do the same - i.e. "Yes, you're right. I wasn't fair to your Dad when I lost my temper." Moments of truth build to create the foundation of real trust.

When you are angry with your teen, don't forget to appreciate it if they've told you the bad news about themselves. Queen Latifah reminds Steve Martin of this in the movie Bringing Down the House.

It is common for mothers and daughters to fight often. In 2004 there was a research study done in Britain that determined arguments between mothers and daughters are a way to build connections. Terri Apter, a researcher for this study says their evidence suggests "... that both mothers and daughters can gain from the opportunity that arguing provides. For mothers particularly, recognizing the positive purpose of the inevitable quarrels may ease the daily tensions." Conflict can be a good thing.

Bad Choices

When your teen gets their license don't you cringe expecting them to crunch the car? Bad choices are a part of growing up.

One of my thoughtful teen clients put it this way:

Reasons for making bad choices and letting friends influence me to do so:

1. To be part of the crowd/peer pressure.
2. To do what I want (sense of rebellion). "Living a little dangerously."
3. No excuses. 

* To put it bluntly no reason is a good reason to do what I have done.


Projection

Raising Korean-born children in Pittsburgh, a city of intense blood connections where adoption is seen as a last resort, I felt compelled to ask my mentor, Sonia Nevis, if there was anything better about adoption than natural birth. My Gestalt-based therapy teaches the duality of everything and I found myself uncertain. She responded readily with, "Why, you'll project less of you onto them and be more respectful of their uniqueness." Of course she is right and this would be a good attitude for any parent to adopt in adolescence. For example when you look at colleges are you thinking of what you wish your choices were or are you filtering yourself out and being open to listening to their ideas about the process?

Defining Territory

Try to be creative about safe ways for adolescents to have power and control. A big battle I often have with parents is to let their kids define the territory of their room. Insist they make periodic hunts for wet towels, dirty dishes or to un-bury the rug to be vacuumed. Don't snoop unless there is drug or alcohol use seriously suspected. Let the kid ride the bus alone downtown, open up a bank account, and wear their hair any way they want. (Remember hair grows back.)

I'm not suggesting support for the culture of indulgence that baby boomers have created for children. It's a dance of energy between support for power and independence, and clarity about limits and boundaries. This dance is much more complicated work than the simplistic, "ignore the problems" or "substitute materialism for listening."

A good example of this can be found in the treasure of a book, Empire Falls by Richard Russo. The character of Miles Robey is really terrific at grabbing those moments for hugs and listening. Mr. Russo's acknowledgments include his daughter, "for reminding me by means of concrete detail just how horrible high school can be, and how lucky we all are to escape more or less intact."

The cover story for Time magazine May 10th 2004 was Secrets of the Teen Brain. This article describes "A paucity of the cognitive controls needed for mature behavior... (their) feelings reach a flash point more easily, (and) adolescents tend to seek out situations where they can allow their emotions and passions to run wild!" Adolescents want intensity in their feelings. At the age of 25, the prefrontal lobe of the brain is finally wired and more mature.

"Growing up is honestly facing painful situations."
(Fritz Perls)

High school's ruthless social hierarchy is the beginning of this process. Honor and remember the difficulty of this process.

As parents, you can make mistakes by being mothers or fathers who are too good or too neglectful. Parents who tend to be too good are filling up the space with their agenda. For example, loading the question: "Of course you'll make dinner with us every Sunday" vs. "Does dinner fit in with your plans for Sundays?" Ask an honest question that leaves room for negotiation. "Yes mom, once a month when it's not a month with a holiday would be great."

There is more respect for the process of differentiation in the second question. Give them room and they'll enjoy coming back to spend time with you. Make kids feel guilty and you end up with a lot of unspoken resentment, which totally erodes any relationship.

Expectations

Parents get caught in the expectation trap of seeing themselves in their children. They expect their children to be just like them. Seeing your son or daughter well, for who they really are, is the whole point of parenting. It is a process of loving and teaching. A therapist offers a client the experience of being seen really well - or the process isn't working. I'm so grateful my son had a video teacher, Mr. Martin, who really did see him and had learned who he was during his four years of high school. That kind of being seen is such a rare commodity in high school.

Expectations held by parents shouldn't be overwhelming. For example: they want me to go to Med school, but I want to be a gym teacher. It is important, though, that some expectations do exist. Kids need to do chores and contribute to the household. Are you a mom whose kids only clean the table? That’s a problem.

Future Relationships

Remember that as parents, you are the template for your kids' future relationships. This is especially true for mothers and sons and fathers and daughters. For example, if a son feels invisible to his mother because she's obsessed with housekeeping or a career, he is likely to choose girlfriends who do not see him either.

Teenage Girls & Love

Teenage girls having only crushes and not a steady boyfriend in high school can be a good thing. At this age, a boyfriend too easily can become someone to desperately please. Teenage girls need to get on track with the work of defining themselves and what pleases them.

There are four movies I have asked my daughter to watch to expand her thinking about love. All four of these are more specifically described on the Movie Page (they are the first four listed).

1. Mansfield Park
2. As Good as it Gets
3. Emma
4. Girlfight (Caution: Constant Swearing)

Scarleteen.com - A great web site for teens that gives honest sexual information.

Teenagers & Stress

Our culture is too frantic and kids are too scheduled. As parents, it's your job to remember that stress is not an experience unique to adults. Help kids to think about their sources of stress. Some obvious examples are sex, perfect grades, and death (of a peer or a relative). Boyfriends and girlfriends and all the drama that emerges can also be stressful. Even the common teenage complaint of boredom can trigger stress. Too many plans or weekends where last minute plans have fallen through can be taxing.

Greater awareness is the first step in any healing process and this is something parents can help out with. Acting out offers relief, but is not always desirable. Overreaction can in part be due to unresolved stress that has built up. Every kid should know what their triggers are and how stress is a tangible in their life.

Help kids to understand that stress is a balancing act between demands and your resources.



Web sites for Teens and Parents

The Trevor Project - website and suicide/crisis phone line for gay and questioning teens. 886-4-U-TREVOR

GirlsInc.com - there is a separate area for teen girls. It is put together by adults and teens. It includes lots of physical and emotional health information, along with inspiring stories.

Reachout - this web site from Australia provides information and help to sort things out.

TeensHealth.org - this web site provides links for both teens and parents on all kinds of issues including life after high school.

Indiana University's Adolescent Issues - this was started by parents from Indiana University that is a clearinghouse of links to web sites related to adolescent issues.

School Psychology - also for parents, this is another database of links on a wide variety of topics concerning them.

Homework:

• The Teen Whisperer: How to Break Through the Silence and Secrecy of Teenage Life by Mike Linderman

• When No One Understands: Letters to a Teenager on Life, Loss, and the Hard Road to Adulthood (Paperback) by Brad Sachs is a wise book of letters written by a therapist to a young client. This book offers excellent insight.

• Breaking Her Fall by Stephen Goodwin is a work of fiction that portrays family life in a crisis and the truely meaningful painful work of a parent struggling to maintain connections with his adolescents. Well worth reading.

• A movie that a parent could watch is Ghostworld. Thora Birch plays an angry adolescent trying to combat her sense of alienation.

• A good book to buy or give to adolescent girls is Ophelia Speaks by Sara Shandler. She interviews teens and this book rings true because it is their voices she captures.

• Reviving Ophelia by Mary Phiper has become a classic testimony to the damage our media-saturated culture has imprinted on teens.

• Read The Romance of Risk: Why Teenagers Do the Things They Do by Lynn Ponton MD.

• Read February 28th, 2000 article in Newsweek titled "Getting Inside a Teen Brain" (must register with Newsweek and pay a fee to view article online).

• If kids are leaving for college, a lovely work of Fiction is Fortunate Lives by Robb Forman Dew.

• Another shocking movie about teens and drugs is Thirteen - co-written by a 15 yr. old of her life at 13.

Other Helpful Books:

• Blessings of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel

• Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp

• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn (A children's book about a raccoon with school separation anxiety)