"...it is so profoundly dangerous [that] we are losing our tolerance for vulnerability...
vulnerability is absolutely at the core of fear and anxiety and shame and very difficult emotions that we all
experience. But vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, of love, of belonging, of creativity, of faith.
And so it becomes very problematic when as a culture we lose our capacity to be vulnerable."
- Dr. Brene Brown
All relationships require connection. Connection can only happen when someone risks vulnerability. There
are many ways to risk vulnerability and the uncertainty of what might happen. Here are just a few:
I am willing to say 'I love you' first.
I am willing to initiate sex and cope with the possibility of being rejected even though my history
has been to wait for the safety of you initiating.
I will tell you I didn't finish college even though I'm scared you will think less of me.
I will share with my best friend that my husband is an alcoholic and that I'm exhausted.
I will tell you I've pushed and shoved my partner when we've argued, more than once.
You are one of my best friends and I will risk disagreement with you because I don't think smoking
pot everyday is a good idea.
How do we stop ourselves from being authentic and vulnerable to share more from our dark sides? Shame is a
huge factor. Shame can stop therapy dead in its' tracks. It is often the biggest obstacle I encounter in my
work with people.
We are stuck in vast deserts of silence, ashamed of our dark sides, when it is ordinary to have a dark
side. One of the hardest things about being human is learning to live with our humanity.
On the "Emotions" page of this web site I say that the antidote to shame is belonging. How is it possible
to belong? Only if we are willing to embrace uncertainty, risk being vulnerable and tell our stories. This is
exactly why Alcoholics Anonymous is such a successful organization. It offers the experience of belonging to
people who are deeply buried in shame.
Avoiding and deflecting because of feeling ashamed or worthless is practically the norm in our culture. So
people break up by text. People avoid encounters about problems "because I don't want to be yelled at."
People lack courage to deal with hard things and take the easy way out over and over and over again.
I often ask clients to tell their stories to someone else besides me. Their reluctance is the norm in a
world that does not value being vulnerable. Unfortunately vulnerability is seen as weakness instead of a
position that requires courage. Authenticity requires stories from the dark side, intimacy builds from
risking authenticity. Instead we bury ourselves in defense and become isolated.
When was the last time you told someone about one of the hard parts of your life? We don't like giving up
control of knowing what will happen. If I tell you my shameful story will you think I'm repulsive?
The irony is that telling the story is the only way to reduce the shame. So the secrets of shame evolve
into the trap of disconnection because we don't want to risk being vulnerable.
Not being vulnerable helps us to feed our personal myth of perfectionism. So many people I encounter
struggle with the kooky idea that anyone can be perfect. This is just not possible and to accept our
imperfections as part of reality, really matters.
Perfectionism and allowing shame to keep you silent really prevents connection to other people. I became a
social worker because I grew up in a family that was very silent and bad at connections. Social work is all
about restoring connections. Connections develop out of risking vulnerability.
Fighting perfectionism means letting go of who you wish you were and being who you are. It is only by
embracing your mistakes and being able to say them out loud that you are able to be more connected with
yourself. Then you will continue to grow by sharing these stories with others (without a chronic air of
disappointment) with the poignancy of vulnerability and authenticity which will lead to connection.
On the "Improving Communication" page I have a list of eighty questions to help improve the sharing of
stories and vulnerabilities. The only way to connection is to be willing to have your imperfections seen by
others. Give up the idea that you're not good enough - that's a model based in the shame of your
imperfections. Wade into the water of being ordinary by taking ownership of both your good and bad parts.
Vulnerability is the opposite of manipulation. We live in a culture where people love the certainty of
manipulating others. There is little risk if you are controlling what happens. You can even consider
perfectionism as a way to manipulate yourself which is why a perfectionist is so harsh with themselves. There
is a lack of uncertainty if you are playing any of the three roles of victim, rescuer or persecutor (see
"Relationship Triangles" page) triangle because you instinctively know how to
flip around in the familiarity of these roles.
The more someone manipulates, the more mental health problems they have. The more someone manipulates, the
more their connections are on the surface and the more they love power more than people. Manipulation offers
the certainty of blaming others instead of the disconcerting vulnerability of self-awareness.
I was inspired to write this page by Dr. Brene Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston. She has
given two TED talks that are both are posted below. She is very special and will inspire you to take new
directions in your life.
TED offers a website that is a clearing house for knowledge and ideas from the "world's most inspired
thinkers." http://www.ted.com/talks. Please take the time to view
these two TED presentations.
In the first video she gives evidence for the fact that our culture is losing tolerance for vulnerability.
She lists six things that I find both very alarming and very accurate:
Joy easily turns into foreboding.
Disappointment has become a lifestyle.
Low grade disconnection is pervasive.
Perfection is the 200 pound shield.
Extremism (both in politics and religion).
We numb ourselves (obesity, debt, addiction).
I would add a seventh: More and more people manipulating each other in relationships.
Movies
Black Swan Movie captures the toll perfectionism can exact.
Natalie Portman won Best Actress for her portrayal of a ballerina.
Get Low Robert Duvall plans his own funeral while he is alive. It is very slow paced. He uses the occasion to acknowledge his profound shame.
Black Swan
Get Low
