• Watch the movie Adaptation to see how pathetic self-loathing is when someone is stuck and paralyzed by it.

Self-Esteem

"Ask yourself; if there was no praise and no blame, who would you be then?" - from Resident Alien by Quentin Crisp

Self-esteem begins when we are young. It is not constructed by receiving massive amounts of praise by parents and teachers. Instead it is built upon the truth. Here’s an example of an opportunity for building self-esteem: a child experiences divorce as painful and a well intentioned parent asks, "Won't it be fun to have two homes to live in?" This choice would be a missed opportunity. A better choice would be to risk finding out and respecting what the child feels instead of attempting to decide for them, or trying to steer them into a "better" direction. When a child's experience matches what is happening and is supported as truthful, there is greater self-esteem, greater trust in one's self.

It’s hard to feel your own worth only in your own head. You must risk stepping towards others. Your image is not you. Inner support can be found in everything that is really you. Free yourself from what interferes with being more authentic. Find the courage to listen to your own inner voice. 

An important part of growing up is to move from support in the environment to a greater capacity of self-support. Many women feel their lives aren’t worth living without a man to define them. Learning to enjoy life and defining yourself is truely a more attractive option. Read Flying Solo: Single Women in Midlife by Carol Anderson et.al.

Developing more self esteem means being able to integrate your dark side. Accepting everyone has one is reality. Then taking ownership of your pile of bad and be determined it will be smaller every decade because that's the best any of us can do. We're never going to erase it. In 1995 fourteen wolves were restored to Yellowstone National Park because they are an integral part of the animal community. We are all both ying & yang. Both sides are interconnected because our strengths also represent our weak points. You can't have one without the other

Solitude offers us quiet nourishment, because it is the time to tip the balance inward and to listen to the possibilities whispering within. Remember that beginnings are always the hardest part of any new endeavor and expect them to be messy.

Everyone struggles with the duality of:

Superiority <--------> Inferiority. 

Ask yourself how you go about overdoing the inferiority. What comfort does it offer you? How can you restore balance to this within yourself?

Know that you are both good and bad inside. Learn your strengths. Know how your strengths are also your weaknesses. Self-esteem is grappling with the whole truth of who you are.

Boredom




“The life of the creative man is lead, directed, and controlled by boredom. Avoiding boredom is one of our most important purposes.” - Susan Sontag

Boredom often occurs because you have stopped yourself from saying something or from doing something. Flattening out your own disagreeable energy out of a fear of displeasing others often will lead to becoming bland. Nice can be oh-so-not interesting and yet it is the choice we make more often than not. Stop interrupting yourself, authenticity can be refreshing. 

Boredom is not all bad. Its greater purpose is to inspire people to be more creative about their lives. Our lives often lack imagination and creativity. Try this simple exercise: Take a few moments and add eight to ten years to your current age. Picture yourself dead at that future age. What would you want for those eight to ten years? What would be important to you if that was all the time you had left? Brainstorm about what new directions you might pursue. Just as winter brings spring fever, the death of boredom can restore meaning to life. Start small: Awaken your curiosity by studying the weekend section of your local newspaper and choose to try something unusual. Go on to larger ideas: Begin keeping a journal for each of your children. Buy a blank book and write to them about who they are and how you delight in them. I’ve done this for my children since they first arrived and it’s one of the things I’m most proud of in my life. I’ve even persuaded their father, uncles, a teacher or two and a few special friends to add some pages. This is an ordinary way to be creative. If it’s too late for your children, do it for your grandchildren, or someone special. There are many ways to add creativity to your life.

Resentment

There are three ways to look at resentment. In general, it can be said resentment is not a clean, straight and true emotion, but that there is always a twist
 
1. You are preparing yourself to feel something again, and again and again, unwilling for the feeling to pass. Hamlet is a play of resentments. Hamlet becomes a ghost of himself because he is buried in resentments. He holds himself separate from everyone and against everything.

2. Resentments are about obligations put on you from the outside. Ask yourself who is on your back? Who do you need to shake off? Duty is to do what is due, based on your own insight. Duty is not imposed from the outside. People fail to make a distinction of what has meaning from within vs. pressure from others.

3. Resentments are really hoarded wants. For example: "If he/she really loved me he/she would know what I want." The buried want is the desire for someone to love you without you having to risk anything. This is a clever way to avoid the responsibility of asking. 

Projection

“Unhealthy projections are the falsification of the self by appearing to be less than one is.” - Fritz Perls, In and Out of the Garbage Pail

Stop and consider that trust and mistrust both are almost always projection. There is usually not enough information to know if someone deserves trust except over time. Projection fills in the space of our fears we want to know and answer instead of risking the uncertainty of finding out. Make a real effort to own your projections and you will learn a lot more about yourself. 

The more you are able to age well, you will project less. Projection is when you see something in somebody else (good or bad) that you are unwilling to recognize in yourself. Think of two people who really annoy you. What bugs you about them? Then ask yourself if it could also be true of yourself. Then think of someone you really admire and ask yourself the same question.

I had lunch with Marrie Creelman, a woman still vibrant in her 70's whom I worked with at the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland. I naively asked her, "Do you really believe love is only projections?" She laughed and said yes. She was right. Projections fall apart over time, which is why so many marriages take a dive in years 6-10. We have the cultural reminder of this called the seven year itch. Real love is the hard work of learning how to be together more authentically after the projections crumble.