Self-Hatred, Self Esteem, Boredom & Projection
Self-Hatred
“I have been a depressed person most of my life. I was always in the throes of self-hatred.” - Eve Ensler
Self-hatred is a trait all too often encountered
in humans. Self-hatred is very sad because it is an erosion of
the soul. If someone becomes an expert in self-hatred, they
will become very creative at finding ways to torture themselves
to such a degree that the punishment becomes an avenue of comfort.
The seeds of self-hatred are sown in the experience of shame, humiliation and an excessive sensitivity to guilt. The secret rituals of throwing up, chewing nails to bleeding nubs, depriving oneself of food, drinking alone and silently, of never being good enough are all part of self-hatred.
Go to Post Secret.com Where artist Frank Warren has collected post cards of anonymous secrets. Art & healing become one in these postcards of dark secrets that are powerful in their meanings. You are NOT alone in your struggles.
Erasing the doubts of self-hatred becomes an impossible task because the goal would be perfection, to never be "bad." The truth is that we all must learn to bear both the good and the bad of who we are. The only realistic goal to be achieved is to make the pile of bad smaller as we age. Erasing the bad is just never going to happen; that is really an essential truth of being human.
The key to defeating self-hatred is to understand self-destruction is not the answer. Self destructiveness is a way of creating emotional distance from the exaggerated sense of inner bad. Learn to make the good and bad of ourselves and others more bearable because that is
what's authentic.
Here’s an example: At first I was surprised to be fond of Former First Lady Barbara Bush because she was unapologetic about being overweight and she wore $40 pearls. Then I read an interview where she described herself as not having any regrets. It’s just not authentic to pretend you can live 50-80 years on the planet and not have regrets.
Erasing regrets is erasing the opportunity to learn and improve. Accept that learning and improving are part of our life’s work and face the truth of who you are. Do not either erase regrets or drown in self-hatred—the secret to life is to know the truth and live with both our regrets and weaknesses.
A client made this drawing of the creature that lurks inside
her:
...and the truth is through therapy and her own resources of healing she has integrated this
creature inside to live happily ever after (so far).
Homework:
Self-Esteem
"Ask yourself; if there was no praise and no blame, who would you be then?" - from Resident Alien by Quentin Crisp
Self-esteem begins when we are young. It is
not constructed by receiving massive amounts of praise by
parents and teachers. Instead it is built upon the truth.
Here’s an example of an opportunity for building self-esteem:
a child experiences divorce as painful and a well intentioned
parent asks, "Won't it be fun to have two homes to live
in?" This choice would be a missed opportunity. A better
choice would be to risk finding out and respecting what the
child feels instead of attempting to decide for them, or trying
to steer them into a "better" direction.
When a child's experience
matches what is happening and is supported as truthful, there
is greater self-esteem, greater trust in one's self.
It’s hard to feel your own worth only in your own head. You
must risk stepping towards others. Your image is not
you. Inner support can be found in everything that is really
you. Free yourself from what interferes with being more
authentic. Find the courage to listen to your own inner voice.
An important part of growing up is to move from support in
the environment to a greater capacity of self-support. Many
women feel their lives aren’t worth living without a man to
define them. Learning to enjoy life and defining yourself
is truely a more attractive option. Read Flying Solo: Single Women in Midlife
by Carol Anderson
et.al.
Developing more self esteem means being able to integrate your dark side. Accepting everyone has one is reality. Then taking ownership of your pile of bad and be determined it will be smaller every decade because that's the best any of us can do. We're never going to erase it. In 1995 fourteen wolves were restored to Yellowstone National Park because they are an integral part of the animal community. We are all both ying & yang. Both sides are interconnected because our strengths also represent our weak points. You can't have one without the other
Solitude offers us quiet nourishment, because it is the time to tip the balance
inward and to listen to the possibilities whispering within.
Remember that beginnings are always the hardest part of any
new endeavor and expect them to be messy.
Everyone struggles with the duality of:
Superiority <-------->
Inferiority.
Ask yourself how you go about overdoing the inferiority. What
comfort does it offer you? How can you restore balance to
this within yourself?
Know that you are both good and bad inside. Learn your strengths.
Know how your strengths are also your weaknesses. Self-esteem
is grappling with the whole truth of who you are.
Movies
 Precious
About a Teen who is raped by her father & abused by her mother.
She learns to believe in herself.
 In Her Shoes
Cameron Diaz, Toni Collette & Shirley Maclaine play 3 women
who grow and transform their lives.
Books
Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field by Nathaniel Branden
Boredom
“The life of the creative man is lead, directed, and controlled by boredom. Avoiding boredom is one of our most important purposes.” - Susan Sontag
Boredom often occurs because you have stopped
yourself from saying something or from doing something. Flattening
out your own disagreeable energy out of a fear of displeasing
others often will lead to becoming bland.
Nice can be oh-so-not
interesting and yet it is the choice we make more often than
not. Stop interrupting yourself, authenticity can be refreshing.
Boredom is not all bad. Its greater purpose
is to inspire people to be more creative about their lives.
Our lives often lack imagination and creativity. Try this
simple exercise: Take a few moments and add eight to ten years
to your current age. Picture yourself dead at that future
age. What would you want for those eight to ten years? What
would be important to you if that was all the time you had
left? Brainstorm about what new directions you might pursue.
Just as winter brings spring fever, the death of boredom can
restore meaning to life. Start small: Awaken your curiosity
by studying the weekend section of your local newspaper and choose to try something unusual. Go on to larger ideas: Begin keeping a journal for each of your children.
Buy blank books and write to each of your children about who they are and how you delight in them. I’ve done this for my children since they first arrived and it’s one of the things I’m most proud of in my life. I’ve even persuaded their father, uncles, a teacher or two and a few special friends to add some pages.
This is an ordinary way to be creative. If it’s too late for your children, do it for
your grandchildren, or someone special. There are many ways to add creativity to your life.
Creativity Revealed: Discovering the Source of Inspiration by Scott Jeffery
Projection
“Unhealthy projections are the falsification of the self by appearing to be less than one is.” - Fritz Perls, In and Out of the Garbage Pail
Stop and consider that trust and mistrust
both are almost always projection. There is usually not enough
information to know if someone deserves trust except over
time. Projection fills in the space of our fears we want to
know and answer instead of risking the uncertainty of finding
out.
Make a real effort to own your projections and you will
learn a lot more about yourself.
The more you are able to age well, you will
project less. Projection is when you see something in somebody
else (good or bad) that you are unwilling to recognize in
yourself. Think of two people who really annoy you. What bugs
you about them? Then ask yourself if it could also be true
of yourself. Then think of someone you really admire and ask
yourself the same question.
I had lunch with Marrie Creelman, a woman still vibrant in
her 70's whom I worked with at the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland.
I naively asked her, "Do you really believe love is only projections?"
She laughed and said yes. She was right.
Projections fall
apart over time, which is why so many marriages take a dive
in years 6-10. We have the cultural reminder of this called
the seven year itch. Real love is the hard work of learning
how to be together more authentically after the projections
crumble.
|
by Beverly Engel
