“I lose my respect for the man who can make the mystery of sex the subject of a coarse jest, yet, when you speak earnestly and seriously on the subject, is silent.” - Henry David Thoreau
America's puritan cultural beginnings are still alive and well
when it comes to sex. Women can still be reserved about the
normal pursuit of pleasure. Learning your own body and how it
works is a good idea before sharing it with someone else. If
you wonder whether or not you've experienced orgasm, you have
not. If you have, there is no doubt in your mind.
Most men are very grounded in sex. Their sense of well being
is connected to a healthy sex life.
Many women are very grounded in the foreplay of intimacy-an
emotional connection comes first for many. For women, intimacy
is based on small moments of emotion and connection that happen
throughout the day, not the ten minutes before bed. There is
a sex therapist who recommends that men consider foreplay begins
twelve hours prior to sex.
Too often in partnerships, sex is too infrequent, or someone
is having an affair. Most partnerships suffer from one or both
of the following scenarios: Too often men are satisfied with
a relationship as long as sexual needs are met and/or too often women
withhold sex and use it as a report card on the relationship.
These are stereotypes, but they ring true. Sex does matter and
should not be looked at as naturally disappearing over time.
Sex should be a regular part of the pleasure you enjoy in life.
The person who wants sex the least is the one who has the most
power. There
are books by two experts I recommend: Passionate
Marriage by David Schnarch and For
Each Other by Lonnie Bachman.
34 Facts to Consider: Taken with permission from two
workshops in 2003/2004 on sexuality with Barry McCarthy, Ph.D.
- Non-sexual marriage is a powerful drain, it can play a 50-75% negative role.
- Sex improves when men learn to value intimacy and women value erotic
scenarios. Sex is a team sport.
- Self-consciousness is the big interrupter to eroticism.
- Movies give the wrong messages about sex: short, intense, always wonderful.
In real life, it is important to have positive, realistic expectations.
- Viagra works 66-80% of the time, not 100%.
- Women are more variable and flexible in orgasmic response. Men can move too
quickly in genital stimulation of women.
- Less than 50% of women enjoy breast stimulation until they are at higher levels of
arousal.
- Women must find their own sexual voice.
- Computer sex can really interrupt interactive sex.
- Men’s sexual peak is 18-21.
- Women’s sexual peak is 34-36.
- 1 out of 3 women are not orgasmic during intercourse
- Smoking is the most negative thing to impact sex (because
it is vascular).
- Sexual pain is experienced by a large percentage of
women. If you are over 50 it is the norm to use lubrication.
- Women still are not given enough permission to value
erotic sex which interrupts desire.
- If infertility problems last over a year, 2/3-3/4 of
these couples will have sexual dysfunction.
- Fantasy can be a bridge to increase arousal and is
healthy as long as it does not become compulsive. Erotic movies can help create an atmosphere of positive anticipation.
See movies to consider at the bottom of the page
- Sexuality and Aging- asks both partners to be more human,
vulnerable, and sharing.
- 1 out of 4 young men fail in their first attempt to have
intercourse.
- Gay married men is the second largest self-help group in
Washington, DC after Alcoholic's Anonymous. Check out ssnetwork.org - A support group for people whose spouses turn out to be gay or lesbian.
- People in their 50's tend to be the happiest couples
sexually.
- By the age 40, 90% of males experience at least one
erectile failure.
- The average amount of money spent on cyber-sex is $500 a
month.
- Secrets about past sexual issues are usually a problem.
-The key to healthy sex for men is “sex and pleasure”
instead of “sex and performance”.
- Co-habitating couples have the highest rates of being
non-sexual.
- 30% of men are rapid ejaculators- Read Coping
with Premature Ejaculation By Michael Metz and Barry
McCarthy.
- Aging alters sexuality, it does not stop it. Medication
side effects are the biggest obstacle.
- The need for sleep is a highly interrupting force to sex,
so have sex when you are alert and awake.
- Lack of desire is the most common female sexual problem.
- Sex needs to be positively anticipated by both partners.
- Women who are involved with men who use pumps or
injections, please don’t leave the room, become a part of the
process.
- It is normal that 5-15% of sex is mediocre or
dissatisfying.
- Almost 95% of people have had one bad sexual experience
if we include dealing with STD’s, stalking/peeping,
fondling, rubbing on the subway, exhibitionism, etc.
McCarthy suggests there are both positive and negative patterns to sex.
It is important to recognize which applies to you.
The first pattern is:
Positive anticipation/Pleasure/Regular rhythm
The second pattern is:
Anxiety/Tense Sex/Avoid & Deflect
Past Trauma does not have to spoil sexuality. If you
allow past trauma to interrupt your sexuality, you are
cheating yourself and your partner. By empowering yourself to
heal and live a full life, you force the trauma to lose some
of its power. An excellent book to help in this regard is The
Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz.
Having wisdom about sex means being flexible and variable.
The essence of pleasure in sex changes over time until
it is more about touching and less often based on visual cues.
Books for Sexual Help:
Rekindling
Desire - A step by step program to help low-sex and
no-sex marriages by Barry and Emily McCarthy
For
Yourself & For
Each Other by Lonnie Barbach
The
New Love and Sex After Sixty by Robert and Lewis
Butler
Passionate
Marriage by David Schnarch
a web site with sexual information:
Siecus.org - A national
non-profit organization that answers questions about sex.
a web site for teens:
www.scarleteen.com
- Answers all of the questions that kids are afraid to ask
their parents.
Movies to Jump Start your Sex Life
 The Lover
Roger Ebert says this is a movie "in which beautiful actors and elegant photography provide a soft-core sensuality." It takes place in Vietnam
 Body Heat
Is is written and directed by Lawrence Kasdan with William Hurt & Kathleen Turner. It was a NYTimes Critics Pick in 1981.
 The Postman Always Rings Twice
a remake done in 1981 with Jack Nicholson & Jessica Lange
 Y tu mamá también
In Mexico, two teenage boys and an older woman leave on a road trip across Mexico. They learn about friendship, life and sex in this 2001 movie
 Sex & Lucia
This film was a huge hit in Spain in 2002, there is lots of sex, sensuality, and beautiful images that glow.
 Nine 1/2 Weeks
A sexual journey with Mickey Rourke & Kim Basinger from 1986
 Emmanuelle
A film made in France in 1975. Rodger Ebert says "... in terms of it's genre (soft-core skin flick) it's very well done: lushly photographed on location in Thailand, filled with attractive and pleasing people..."
 Intimacy
Mark Rylance stars in this 2001 French Film. There is sex, though the level of misery involved might temper the erotic pleasure.
Two web sites with sexual tools:
www.babeland.com
www.evesgarden.com
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