“This (Washington D.C. ) is the most emotionally avoidant city in America.” David Brooks
So many young people question whether it’s even possible to have better than an average marriage. All kinds of people stay in half-baked relationships. People drift away from friendship without a single word of explanation. A parent has no real clue what their young adult children are most worried about because the conversations are safely superficial. All of these things happen because we avoid honesty and difficult emotions.
Taking risks by sharing more difficult emotions is not an easy thing to do. It’s easier to carry around a pile of resentments and then cash them in by dumping them out without any real dialogue to problem solve.
One example of very ordinary sharing that might be missing: “I’m upset we’re not having sex.” & “I’m reluctant to have sex because I don’t orgasm from intercourse & I don’t know how to tell you about that.” The simple act of sharing this information can lead to a better life for both.
Instead of the courage to say the truth, there is stultifying silence. It is emotional avoidance that leads to deadening partnerships. The tonic of respected differences and disagreement is crucial to vitality.
Avoiding emotions means staying in the comfort of the superficial. Addressing emotions is messy and uncomfortable.
If either partner is swallowing their disagreement, ignoring values collisions or pretending to go along while piling up resentments the ultimate price paid is the distance. You can not truly be known if you swallow your authentic feelings.
Facing uncomfortable feelings and communicating is the only way to build infrastructure and add depth to relationships. “Mom, it’s unfair to make me feel guilty because at the age of 87, safety has to be the first priority.” “Dad, I’m gay.” “I’m very practical and I know that’s when we collide the most with each other.” “I don’t like it when you….”
Stop & ask yourself, who are the 7-8 more important people in your life. Then write down something either positive or negative that has remained unspoken. The real risk of avoiding emotionally is a lack of intimacy, not being known and loneliness.
