Control, What is it We Love?

We all love Control or else you are lying to yourself. What is Control? One simple word: POWER. We insist we are right. We love the simplicity of winning. Nobody wants to be bothered with the messiness we might both be right.

There are soooo many ways to win. We can be sneaky, we can be the first to scream F/U, we can be dramatic & make ordinary things into extraordinary problems or we can pile on all our fears until you must agree to do it my way. We can cry alligator tears at 3 & watch our parents cave in. Power is lip smacking delicious!

Our affection for control & power completely interrupts communication.

Do it my way we demand! You just don’t understand me, if you did you’d agree with me. Some of us act as if disagreement is an act of treason to the relationship. Think of all the ways there are to avoid disagreement because it’s easier to go along which is an abdication of power. We don’t like the messiness of conflict.

How many times have you avoided the honest truth of conflict by saying to yourself “I don’t want to hurt her/him?”

A thousand times just this year perhaps? Then the resentments silently pile up within & lie in wait to kill off the relationship. That’s what happens when someone gives up their power over time consistently to someone else. The relationship is then ready to blow up & the other partner is mystified.

When someone has to win, the other side of the coin means someone has to lose. If there is too often a lopsided relationship then someone is resentful. Unspoken wants easily build into resentments. It is worth the messiness of conflict to learn the truth about what’s really going on.

So instead of thinking in this win/lose, 1/10, Black/White way of interacting consider the elegance of letting 2 different points of view BOTH matter. It’s the 4,5 or 6 or Grey that is in between both points of view.

This is far more complicated & elegant and not as hard as we might imagine. There is usually merit to two points of view.

When I’m sitting with a couple & one person says the other yelled a lot, then that person says they hardly yelled at all; I look at them & say “you yelled more than you thought you did” & “you made it worse than it was”. I travel that middle road of the greatest possibility of truth.

This is the way to build a bridge instead of digging a trench for protection in the war to come. Consider how to acknowledge each other instead of needing the control/power to win the next time there is an argument.

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About the Rhoda Mills Sommer

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