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Controlling anger can be very difficult because of passion, frustration or impatience. Your anger means that you demand being important. Controlling your anger makes relationships work better.

Your anger can too easily smash others to bits because you are asking for too much. So learning to control your anger means deciding others matter to you more than your own self. You have to decide to learn self-control of anger because you want to treat others better.

Love is really about learning to be a better person.

How can you control your anger??? The first step is outlined above; deciding others are more important than your selfish needs. The second step is finding a technique to use to interrupt the path that your anger takes. Try wearing a rubber band & snap it to stop your anger from growing like a snowball rolling down a hill.

The third step to control your anger is after you’ve stopped yourself; begin to think instead of  feel.  There are two parts to this because you are learning to access your vulnerability;

A.  Ask yourself what do you want underneath your anger? If you can figure out what you want then you have ask for it instead of being in a power-driven demand.

B.  Ask yourself if there is hurt under your anger. If there is try to share it directly with the one who hurt you.

Learning to come from a more vulnerable place instead of a power-hungry place is the key to learning to control your anger. I asked someone if I could share something she wrote to her boyfriend asking him about controlling his anger:

“Lastly, I have something important to tell you:  Please learn some self-control when we argue. When we fight, you often lose control of what you say. I used to be that way, too.

I’ve said disgusting, horrible things in my past and had to learn that some shit is never forgotten and leaves an indelible blotch on a relationship. Over time, these corrosive things said during heated moments wear down the bonds.

It’s irreparable b/c all I hear is your voice saying hateful shit to me. I want to retaliate b/c I can, and b/c it would make me feel good in the moment, but I withhold b/c I have learned control: I have learned that as I open my mouth to say something in self-protection that I actually value our relationship over being right.

I value you over my need to hurt. I value us over my need to isolate myself. Please stop doing shit when we fight that plants doubt in my mind. You will never, ever be able to un-say what you’ve said, so be wiser and learn control for the sake of our relationship.

If you need time, tell me “I’m getting angry. This is me telling you that I need to cool off. We will revisit this. I promise. But I’m heated right now and won’t say anything kind or productive.”

I loved how she doesn’t finger point but owns what she’s learned about controlling her own anger and then she asks him to learn this because of the relationship being a priority. This is how a grown up talks with respect for herself and for her partner.

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About the Rhoda Mills Sommer

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1 year ago

I help the rubber band how I use it when I’m angry and then take a deep breath



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