Dating is a lot of work! It is all too easy to end up discouraged & want to give up because someone else has once again not followed through & just disappeared. Family & friends often don’t appreciate how painful & difficult the process of dating can be. There is so much pressure to find the right relationship that it can be hard to look for signs the relationship is a healthy one.
What even is considered healthy? My long time listeners know it’s where there is negotiation, problem solving, support & authentic conversations that soften the differences.
I believe that it’s all too easy to be discouraged about dating. I believe staying curious instead of cynical is really important for success. Staying open to possibilities is crucial instead of crossing your arms across your chest in the comfort of skepticism.
PEW research from August 2020 says that Long-distance relationships, debt & voting for Donald Trump top the list of relationship deal breakers. One-in-ten partnered adults met their partners online. Half of single adults – and a majority of single women – are not on the dating market.
Today I’ve invited Dr. Diana Kirschner, PBS Love Expert & psychologist to share with my audience with her expert advice. Her bestseller is Love in 90 Days. Through her acclaimed coaching team, Dr. Diana has helped many thousands all over the world to create self-confidence, dating success, and lasting relationships. Dr. Diana’s website, Lovein90Days.com is a source of empowerment and dating advice. I’m so delighted you could join us today!
#1. How does our phone impact dating & relationships? In my mind there is such an ordinariness to avoiding honest, authentic conversation it is a wonder anybody gets relationship success in our current culture of ghosting someone so easily.
Dr. Diana: Well, I’ll tell you, technology is a weird thing. The phone is something that has a tremendous positive impact & can have a tremendous negative impact. Now, the negative impact is that you kind of get off the hook with relating to people & seeing them face to face, for the most part—unless you’re doing zoom or something like that. But there is a distance in your interactions. & it’s kind of easier to act without integrity. & so you see the rise of ghosting; this is where people, they get together & they’re dating & they’re in love & they love you & it’s so incredible & wonderful, & bingo! They disappear completely without a word. & it’s kind of shocking & upsetting.
So, you have that as the downside, but there is a tremendous upside, which is that right there in your phone, you have so many choices in terms of finding love. Now there are so many dating sites & apps & you can have, you know, it’s like… what do you call that? It’s like a feast. It’s a feast of possibilities. If you know what you’re doing, you know, the phone can provide a lot of interesting connections, new connections.
Rhoda: Yes, I would agree. What about those who have been hurt before in previous relationships & are now gun shy about trying again? What can they do to believe in possibilities again?
Dr. Diana: Well, I mean, there are so many people who’ve been through—really been through hell with relationships, as you know, Rhoda, with divorces, with being cheated on, being abandoned, really being wounded, & sometimes if that echoes your childhood wounding, it can really feel like you don’t want to even try anymore. You’re better, you know, just kind of close-up shop & keep your heart away from people. But then of course, we start dealing with the loneliness. & during COVID, there’s been a lot of loneliness, a lot of loneliness. & so people are beginning to prioritize real relationships & finding real love. & the way to do that, if you’ve been hurt so badly is to really get yourself what I call a fairy godmother.
Now, what do I refer to as the fairy godmother? A fairy godmother is someone who is very knowledgeable about dating, who can help you actually avoid the same kinds of heartbreak, the same kinds of wounds that you’ve had before. So you have somebody, a wing man, it’s kind of like a wing man, & also someone who is really seeing how amazing you are, & they can help you get over what’s happened in the past. & with them on your side, you are less afraid of meeting that alcoholic again, or of meeting that cheater again, & getting hurt once again.
Rhoda: That would be true. I often suggest that people go to meet up to find another single friend, because oftentimes, all their friends are partnered up, & that leaves them feeling extra lonely & outside of things.
Dr. Diana: Yes, that’s a great idea. That is a great idea. & in fact, meetup groups that have lots of the opposite sex in them are very good too, to meet new matches, right? Because you have similar interests. If, let’s say, it’s about cycling, or investing or…
Rhoda: Hiking.
Dr. Diana: …You know, something that would also have men & women in there, it’s a great place to meet somebody. It really, really is.
Rhoda: What about someone who is stuck in obsessing about an ex & can’t seem to move on? What’s your advice for them? How can they recognize they are really emotionally unavailable?
Dr. Diana: Well, a lot of people are like that. I mean, particularly if things have fallen apart very rapidly, & you’re in a kind of a state of shock. It’s very common for people to be obsessing about an ex. So the thing to do is to actually begin some journaling I have a great exercise that I have people do in our mentoring/coaching program, where they actually write out a list of what was wrong with the ex or the relationship with the ex, & then what was right with the relationship with the ex. & they keep alternating, seeing what was wrong, what was right, what was wrong, what was right.
& then they will actually write down the key needs that this relationship filled. Whether that was for security, or whatever was there. & then actually begin to envision your ex plus. I call it your ex plus. Or if your ex was named Bill, you can imagine it as Bill plus, or Jim plus. So, imagine that person who has those exact wonderful qualities, but also fulfills you in a way that your ex never did. & then beginning to envision this person & beginning to feel that opening that will start in your heart, when you begin to envision what you actually need. People don’t take enough time to think through & envision what it is they want to create. Wouldn’t you agree, Rhoda?
Rhoda: I do agree. One of the things that I always found really interesting was when I would have a couple that were really much more anchored & rock solid with each other because they both were really invested in being physical, whether it was hiking, or skiing, or whatever it was. & that bonded them to be committed to working through their problems. & so I think it is a really extra good thing when people have that deeper connection of something that they share as a priority.
Dr. Diana: & going forward, they can find someone who has that, plus is committed & plus is there in the way that they really need them.
Rhoda: Yeah, I would agree. What hacks can you share with us about getting rid of our inner critic that feed fears of not being good enough or too fat or not smart enough, etc? All the things we pound on ourselves about?
Dr. Diana: Yes, yes, we’re meaner to ourselves than we would ever be to anybody else.
Rhoda: Yes, that’s right.
Dr. Diana: It’s very difficult to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. That’s where having somebody who is like a fairy godmother to you comes in, that is somebody who sees how extraordinary you are, who sees you underneath the ashes. It’s kind of like you’re at the hearth covered with ashes, right? “I’m so fat, I’m so old.” & these ashes are these negative thoughts about you. & a fairy godmother could come in & really see the beautiful you, see that you belong at the ball.
We had a case in our mentoring program where the woman came in, & she was 37, she was overweight, & she didn’t have any dates, & actually was not in her the job she wanted. & she had a lot of negative self-talk. & so she started with her coach, & her coach started with giving her a kind of nickname, which is what we do in this work, which is really, really interesting. & the nickname was The Wonder Diva of Love. & every time the coach would talk about that, she would kind of laugh, right? This woman would laugh. But it was a laughter with kind of almost like embarrassment & delight.
& having this experience of someone who sees how amazing you are…Each & every one of us is truly amazing, is truly extraordinary. We’re all like snowflakes—there is no two alike, but we’re all extraordinary. But having that experience, she was able to kind of integrate that, & she went out & she started dressing the part of The Wonder Diva, & she wound up marrying her soulmate; meeting & marrying was super great guy. & I might add, getting her dream job, which was a marketing job. & it had to do with having this corrective experience, this corrective experience with someone who really saw how amazing she was.
Rhoda: I think if someone can’t afford a coach or a fairy godmother, who’s a coach, a best friend who is very authentic, that you really trust could also be an option.
Dr. Diana: Absolutely. A really, really good best friend is someone who does see how extraordinary you are.
Rhoda: Yes.
Dr. Diana: They really understand how what a catch you really are. & so when you’re with them, they’re coming from it from that perspective, & you feel good when you’re with them. You can tell if the person is in the right stance with you, if you feel good after talking with them. You should not feel bad. Because sometimes people pose as best friends, but they’re actually sucking on you for attention, they’re using you, or they may even be subtly competing with you.
Rhoda: Or manipulating. But I do think that sometimes an honest friend that can say something that makes you a little uncomfortable, but you recognize there’s a seed of truth to it & it’s something that you need to soften or change or work with a little bit. I don’t think it’s all superlatives.
Dr. Diana: No, that’s correct. That’s correct. They’re not going to be blowing smoke up your…skirt. Sometimes girlfriends will actually be very protective &. “Oh, he’s no good. He was an idiot. This guy that you broke up with, he was no good.” & they’ll be putting him down. But a really great friend will say, “Look, you’ve got to change this pattern. You’re picking the cute ones, you’re picking the handsome ones. You go for just appearances & chances are you’re going to be disappointed when it comes to real depth.”
Rhoda: Yes, I agree. & I think you can also up the ante on intimacy with the best friend by asking for more authentic feedback, saying, what do you think? How do I get my way? Give me honest feedback here. What do you think about the stories I’ve told you, the patterns I’ve had? How do you think I get my own way? & then I think that’s more a risk, but it helps you see yourself in a more authentic way.
Dr. Diana: I love that. I love that, but it takes a lot of courage.
Rhoda: Yes, it does. I always think if you could ask for one thing to sprinkle on the world to make it a better place, I actually don’t believe it would be love. I would ask for courage. I think if people have more courage, I think the world would be a much better place. I think that’s why Zelensky, if I’m pronouncing his name correctly, in the Ukraine, is such a powerful image for everybody, & has been so embraced because he represents courage in a world where we hide and avoid and deflect and dodge and don’t always do what we need to do to be real.
Dr. Diana: Thank you for saying that, Rhoda. I love that. Yes, that’s incredible. Yes, & the strongest courage to have is the courage to give to yourself.
Rhoda: Yes.
DR. DIANA: The courage to give to yourself, the right action, the rights.
Rhoda: & to believe in yourself. I always think self-esteem isn’t just all the good stuffs, a healthy self-esteem, in my mind, is shuttling back & forth, which I do a lot. I still screw up & make mistakes in my own personal life, but I understand they do tend to be the same mistakes, & I also know what’s good. & it’s that shuttling back & forth between your strengths & weaknesses. It’s not just believing you’re wonderful. It’s really that shuttling back & forth & knowing everybody’s good & bad, including you.
Dr. Diana: Well, growth is a zigzag process.
Rhoda: That’s right.
Dr. Diana: We’ve talked about it, it’s a zigzag.
Rhoda: Yeah, exactly.
Dr. Diana: Yeah, it’s not linear. It doesn’t go straight up.
Rhoda: We all wish we could, though, don’t we? How can people in my audience get over the fear of rejection? It’s such an easy, painful place for people to get stuck in?
Dr. Diana: Well, in our program, we really advise people to date three people—usually, it’s women. We deal mostly with women. But it’s to date three guys…
Rhoda: That’s interesting.
Dr. Diana: This is really, really powerful, Rhoda. & it’s not a matter of being outside of integrity. You don’t want to get too involved with them. It’s dating them casually. You’re not going to have sex with them, a little kissing is okay, a little kissing, a little canoodling, but no sex. & you’re in integrity, you tell them on the second date if you are interested in them. You tell them, “You know, I’ve really been enjoying you. You’re fantastic. You’re amazing. But I want to let you know that I’m taking things very slow & I’ll be dating around casually. But I can’t imagine liking anyone or laughing with anyone as much as you,” you’re going to say a sincereyour compliment.
So, I just can’t imagine that I could find somebody who I’d laugh this much with, it just so incredible. But I need to take things slow. So it’s out in the open, second date, it’s out in the open, right? Now, when you have three people, here’s the thing, it feels fantastic. In other words, you don’t have the fear of rejection, because if Larry doesn’t call you on Saturday, Joe does. & you have protection. In this day & age, because there is ghosting & because people can be outside of integrity & they can just hurt you & disappear on you, you want to protect yourself & this is a great way to protect yourself. Now of course, you need to know how to find the good people to date, which is also an art in & of itself.
Want to hear more? Listen to the episode, just hit play above! Amazon Love Expert Dr. Diana Kirschner will personally match you with a handpicked coach for a free 40 minute Breakthrough-To-Love coaching session by phone or Zoom. Simply fill out the form at https://lovein90days.com/dating-coach/ & Say “Rhoda sent me” for VIP treatment!
