Love matters so much to people, how it goes wrong & how to put it right. Emotionally Focused Therapy is based on thousands of studies on human attachment, it basically gives us a way of understanding love. It’s scary to reach for your partner and expose your softer feelings, because we’re all scared of rejection and that’s not because we’re wimps or immature. It’s because we’re bonding mammals and our brains are wired to see cues of abandonment and rejection from the people we care about as danger cues, which makes it really difficult for people to be authentic in relationships.
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Emotionally Focused Therapy was created by Dr. Sue Johnson. She is a best-selling author of Hold Me Tight, a clinical psychologist, distinguished research professor and a recognized innovator who has changed the field of couple’s therapy, her newest book is Love Sense, the revolutionary new science of romantic relationships.
Most couples therapies are not based on any research, they don’t have any research showing they work and they’re not based on any clear understanding researched, understanding of what love is all about. So EFT is based on the hundreds and thousands at this point of studies on human attachment, it basically gives us a way of understanding love, why love matters so much to people, how it goes wrong, how to put it right. So we understand the drama that a couple are caught in and this is huge, it means that we can go straight to the heart of the matter and change the things that really need changing, we can change the music in a relationship, which is the emotions that are playing out and controlling the dance and we can change the way people dance in a particular way, in a way that leads to what we know people need and longed for and what creates a good lasting relationship, which is a safe loving emotional connection.
So we know where we’re going, we know the territory, we’re in we understand how couples get stuck and this gives us, I mean it changes everything, it gives us a way of really making a difference and we have all the research that says that it does make a difference and so we understand attachment, we understand love but I think the other thing is, we really do know how to deal with the most important thing in the room and the most powerful thing in the room, which is people’s emotions.
So people often need a bit of help putting their emotions together but the other thing is that, what we’ve really understood in relationships is that just because they matter so much because we’re wired for them because we need this emotional connection with other people so much that it becomes people, it becomes scary to really open up. Being authentic in relationships is rare & so people have never seen that, they don’t even know that this kind of love dance is possible, whether it exists, let alone how to move into it.
All the research says that even if couples learn communication skills in your sessions, it doesn’t change their satisfaction in the relationship and it doesn’t change how you are in moments that really matter, when you’re scaring your partner or you’re scared and you’re both turning into the enemy. So yes, it’s a communication but what is the communication that really matters, what we know from all our research and from all the research on an attachment, which is really changing how we see love relationships right now. What we know is that the interactions that matter most in a relationship is when someone calls out for help and once the other person tries to come close to comfort them, help them, support them, listen to them, validate them and their message isn’t heard but the other person doesn’t know how to respond, doesn’t know how to give this support that we all need so much and you know everything starts to go wrong from there; ” I call you don’t come, I call louder, I get meaner, I say where the hell are you?” I’m criticizing, you shut down and move away or you move away, the more I yell and this is a classic couples fight and most couples say, just teache some communication skills and we’ll stop this happening and it doesn’t actually, you have to help people see the dance they’re courting, understand the music they play to their partner, understand their needs, you know it’s a bit deeper than just learning some communication skills.
Dr. Susan Johnson has an online course for couples that is $297. The Link: Hold Me Tight Course
Love matters because we are such bonding animals. This program is wired into our brain, we are such bonding animals, that the fact of the matter is that even if you have all kinds of negative expectations and strategies for all kinds of good reasons, we long for connection with other people, we long for it so much that we will take risks and the evidence is that even with negative expectations, lots of folks do, in fact learn how to connect, how to risk, how to reach, how to respond to each other and lots of folks do… yeah, we focus on when love fails, we don’t look at the times when all the clichés that they talk about that love you know changes the world and it grows you and it helps you deal with the world and it helps you feel good about yourself.
There’s really only one kind of apology that works and that’s for you to listen to your partner’s pain, to take responsibility and then for them to tell you they’re hurt and this time in a kind of corrective way, in a corrective emotional dance for them to look into your face and for them to see that you feel their pain, you’re tuning into it, you care about it and for you to turn and say I’m so sorry I hurt you in a real heartfelt sincere engaged way, that works but most of us don’t go there.
Rhoda: That’s true. I always added a second step in the amends process with my clients and recovery through Alcoholics Anonymous and I say, it’s not enough to make amends, you have to follow it up with a question, what was the worst part of my alcoholism for you?
Link to find an EFT trained therapist: https://iceeft.com/find-a-therapist/
