Better Sex life, improving sex, low desire, sex, sex life, sex missing, sex matters

Missing Out on Sex?

Partners stop having sex & don’t even talk about it. This episode explores why sex is missing in relationships.

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After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

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Sex is one of the nicest ways to relieve stress & it’s free to boot, so why does it evaporate from so many relationships?

Estrogen is very different from testosterone. Women can flatline & ignore their libido because estrogen doesn’t nag their bodies the way testosterone does. Sadly enough, many women feel the work of achieving an orgasam rather than the delight. I’ve had so many women tell me what a chore sex is that I am certain they ignored their sexual peak in their mid-30’s. Sometimes it seems like women want kids but not sex.

Partners stop having sex with each other & don’t even talk about it. Is it really ok to have a celibate marriage without any discussion?
I don’t think so. Not having sex & not talking about it is unfair. It really takes a lot of courage to love somebody else & dive into the dark places to talk about what’s missing.

Who ever wants sex the least is the one with the most power. If you don’t miss sex then it’s not really a problem is it? Control is the way to deprive & make sure sex doesn’t happen.

So why do people put up stop signs about sex?
They are scared.
They are afraid to be vulnerable & talk about it.
They are afraid to take responsibility for wanting sex.
They are resentful & feel entitled to be withholding.
They have gotten comfortable not having sex & feel entitled to shut it down.
They have forgotten or never learned to really enjoy their own sexuality.
They have erased their desire.
They haven’t decided to really figure out how to show up & really be available to the us of the marriage.
Not having sex can be about punishment. One example might be: We aren’t having sex because I want you to do penance you for the affair you had 3 years ago.
They pretend it’s ok to not have sex & they don’t want to look at themselves.

There are tons of reasons & excuses not to have sex.

Trying to talk about sex is something most people cooperate in avoiding. We avoid it because it makes us uncomfortable. If someone even gets out one strangled sentence they feel it is a enough, a good enough effort. It’s a whole lot easier to just give up. Talking about sex is hard & it requires courage & persistence. The right thing to do is the hard thing to do.

Your partner deserves an honest conversation instead of pretending it doesn’t matter. So find a way to start the conversation. What do you like? What gets in the way? Have you ever been hurt sexually? Is initiating sex hard or easy for you? Does your sexuality scare you or are you comfortable with it? These are just a few questions to help you begin somewhere with sharing.

It might make the conversation a bit easier to start if you rent an erotic movie first. Notice as you watch do you allow your own sexual feelings to emerge or do you squelch the feelings? Do you enjoy the sensuality or do you squirm? Two fine suggestions for erotic movies would be “Y tu Mama tambien” or “Sex & Lucia”

Challenge: Ask yourself when was the last time you had sex? Do you & your partner talk about your sex life? Ask them if they are happy with the frequency? Ask them their thoughts on how it might be improved….ask if there is anything you can do to make sex work better or is there anything missing.

Thanks for listening, this is Rhoda sharing what I’ve learned after 35 years of experience. I hope you’ll take time to review todays episode & subscribe.

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About the Rhoda Mills Sommer

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