Understanding our own emotions is a whole lot of work, much less understanding someone else’s. Understanding our own emotions is a whole lot of work, much less understanding someone else’s. The process of successful communication and negotiation are closely linked to high levels of EQ. The good news is you can improve your emotional intelligence.
Unlocking Emotional Intelligence: Improving You & Your Relationships
amp;nbsp;Understanding our own emotions is a whole lot of work, much less understanding someone else’s. Understanding our own emotions is a whole lot of work, much less understanding someone else’s. The process of successful communication and negotiation are closely linked to high levels of EQ. The good news is you can improve your emotional intelligence.
The concept of emotional intelligence was popularized by Daniel Goleman in the 1990s, who identified EI as a critical factor in personal and professional success. Emotional intelligence (EI), often referred to as EQ (Emotional Quotient), is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions, as well as the ability to recognize, understand, and influence the emotions of others.
I want to share a quote from Daniel Goleman “If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”
You may be wondering if EI can even be improved? Well the good news is yes! In 2009 Nelis et al. found that EI training significantly improved emotion regulation and comprehension and general emotional well being. Another 2019 research study Gilar-Corbi et al. showed that EI training improved people even a year later the results stuck. So
this is something that can be learned.
All relationships experience conflict (& if they don’t someone is swallowing too much of their own truth). All relationships require skills of negotiation. The process of successful communication and negotiation are closely linked to high levels of EQ. Where those with low levels of EQ may react defensively in stressful situations and escalate conflict, individuals with higher emotional intelligence have the skills available at their disposal to communicate effectively without escalating the tension.
Studies examining the link between EI and a range of interpersonal relations found that participants with higher EQ scores had higher scores for empathic perspective taking, self-monitoring and social skills, cooperation with partners, relationship satisfaction, and more affectionate relationships. (Schutte et al. in 2001). So clearly EI is totally important in relationships.
Research conducted by Furnham (2003) indicated that a large amount of the variance found in happiness and wellbeing to be determined by people’s emotion-related self-perceptions and the ability to regulate emotions, relationship skills, and social competence. EI skills are not the sole contributor to levels of happiness, it is important to recognize their impact.
None of us are at the mercy of our emotions….our brain creates them & it is emotions that drive our actions & behaviors. Stress when it is prolonged affects self control. So we all need to learn to give our stress a break which is good for your brain, improve our sleep hygiene & reduce caffeine which has a long half life of 6 hours, because both of these actions will reduce toxic proteins in our brains which improves EI.
So EI begins with greater self-awareness. Self-awareness is hard work because it means embracing the wince of recognition that you stepped on somebody else, that you were rude, that you were insensitive, greedy, stingy or selfish. Self-awareness is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage to decide to do something about your dark side because you want to grow up & be a better person.
Today’s guest to help us all explore EI more in depth is Dr. John Demartini a world-renowned human behavior expert. He’s an internationally published author, a global educator and the founder of the Demartini Method, a revolutionary tool in modern psychology. He has just published a new book (among many) Essentials of Emotional Intelligence. Just one of his 3 websites is https://drdemartini.com/about-values
Thanks so much for joining me today!
Please share with my audience your definition of Emotional Intelligence…and explain how Emotions are imbalanced perceptions or perspectives.
Dr John Demartini (01:04.417)
Can I develop that? Okay. We walk in a mall, we run into somebody walking by that we possibly admire, look up to, are attracted to. We have a potential perception that they’re more intelligent than us.
Rhoda Sommer (01:05.697)
Yes!
Dr John Demartini (01:32.755)
or more achieving than us, or more wealthy than us, or more relationship stable than us, or more socially connected, or more physically fit, protractive, or more spiritually aware than us, or less than us. And we tend to look up or down on them. And if we look up, we minimize ourselves.
relative to them. And we’ve looked down, we exaggerate ourselves relative to them. When we look up, we’re conscious of the upsides, unconscious of the downsides. When we look down, we’re conscious of the downsides, unconscious of some upsides. So anytime we’re not fully conscious of both sides and see only one side in others, we tend to see that same skewed view in ourselves in reverse.
So if we exaggerate somebody, we’re sometimes too humble to admit what we see in them inside us. If we minimize, we’re too proud to admit what we see in them inside us. And then what happens is the more extreme that polarity becomes, the more it occupies space and time in our mind and more difficult it is to sleep at night or be present during the day. This emotional distraction, impulse to seek, instinct to avoid,
Rhoda Sommer (02:49.176)
Yes.
Dr John Demartini (02:56.925)
occupies space and time in our mind and runs our life and is stored in our amygdala valence assigning hippocampus in form of episodic memories. And this distracts us from being present with what’s most meaningful, the mean between all these pairs to us. And then we get externally impacted instead of internally driven. When we can govern our perceptions,
look simultaneously for both sides of people around us that we admire and despise and see them for who they really are, not the persona that we made them with our subjective bias and have a more objective view. Our executive center, our medial prefrontal cortex, our telencephalon, our forebrain, comes online by functional MRIs, sends glutamate and GABA down into the amygdala,
which is assigning the valency and calms it and neutralizes it and governs it and allows you to be inner directed instead of outer distracted. That is where you’re more profoundly you, you’re more authentic and you’re self governed. And this is emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to govern the outside perceptions and see things as they actually are, not as we
subjectively, biasly store in our subconscious mind interpret them to be.
Rhoda Sommer (04:34.575)
So it’s being aware of our distortions and bringing them kind of back online, like rebooting a computer.
Dr John Demartini (04:44.661)
In some respects, that’d be a good analogy. We have all been infatuated, Michael Douglas was infatuated with Glenn Close one time. And there was a fatal attraction. And a day, a week, a month, a year, five years later, we found out that it wasn’t what we thought. And the speed in which we see that other side is really our level of reflective awareness and intelligence.
And when we don’t see it, we’re blinded by our infatuations or blinded by our resentments. And then we run our stories and we become victims of those misinterpretations instead of masters of our destiny by seeing both sides and being objective and learning the art of communicating respectfully back to people that we can respect. If we put people on pedestals, we’re not going to respect them. If we put them in pits, we’re not going to respect them. We’re going to be enamored and infatuated and resentful, but not really have sustainable fair exchange.
transactions with them, because we’re to be sacrificing ourselves for them and trying to be like them, or sacrificing them and trying to get them to be like us, instead of honoring them for who they are and honoring ourselves and caring enough to reflect and then communicate what we value in terms of what they value. So higher intelligence in ourself and higher abstraction to be able to see that in these people, even though our senses say only one side, because we’re fooled by them.
allows us to have emotional intelligence and also higher IQ.
Rhoda Sommer (06:14.831)
I especially love this question from your introduction. How is whatever is happening to me on the way, not in the way? Would you explain why this is important?
Dr John Demartini (06:15.787)
Thank you.
Dr John Demartini (06:26.913)
Well, some people want to be victims of their history instead of masters of their destiny. They want to run their rackets and their stories and tell people how bad it’s been and how terrible it’s been and how this person did this and that person did this. Epictetus, the Greek philosopher said, we start out on our journey of personal development, blaming others. Then we pass through a stage where we blame ourselves. And then we finally become awakened and realize there was nothing to blame. It was all on the way, not in the way.
And we then see the upsides to what we thought were downsides and the gifts to the things we thought were thieves. And we find out that they’re actually making sure that we’re authentic. And every situation in our life is a feedback to authenticity. It’s a feedback to sustainable fair exchange. It’s a feedback to see equanimity within ourselves. So once we see that, we learn that the quality of our lives are based on the quality of the questions we ask. And if we ask questions that liberate us from the misinterpretations
of these subjective realities and start to appreciate what is as it is, instead of how we interpret it, we start to appreciate life and see that it’s all on the way. See, if we get addicted to people praising us, we’re going to be hurt by people criticizing us. It’s our addiction to one that makes us need the other because when we’re addicted to people we infatuate with, we play underdog and we minimize ourselves and that’s not authentic. So we need the challenger to come in to partake.
and kick us back into precocious independence to get us back into authenticity. So nature requires both sides, the supporter, the challenger, the nice, the mean, the kind, the cruel, the positive, negative, all pairs of opposites. And the person that’s able to handle the middle path between them is the one that’s untouched by the illusions of misperception.
Rhoda Sommer (08:11.715)
Yes, and illusions is the business of therapy. I like that.
Dr John Demartini (08:17.121)
We all have our moments of illusion. There’s nobody escapes that. The question is, how do you manage it? If you’re resentful to somebody, if you ask what are the upsides, what your intuition does. When you’re infatuated somebody, your intuition whispers to you, too good to be true. Don’t be rushing. Don’t be cautious. Just don’t be gullible. It’s trying to whisper to you the other side. And when you’re resentful, it’s trying to say there must be a reason for this. There must be meaning behind this. Why is this happening?
Rhoda Sommer (08:22.25)
Absolutely.
Dr John Demartini (08:47.265)
The intuition is trying to bring us into a full balanced awareness, but we let our impulses and instincts and our drama and our past subjectively stored biases in our subconscious mind run our misperceptions. And then we think it’s real and we want to be right in our opinion. Our amygdala wants to be right with pride and it wants to hold onto fantasies and it doesn’t want to grow up and mature and get the true ego in instead of the false ego.
And then that’s where we really grow when we are able to see things on both sides and see them simultaneously. Wilhelm Watt in 1897 in his book on the principles of psychology showed very clearly when we’re able to see both sides simultaneously, we’re poised and present and purposeful and prioritized, patient and productive.
Rhoda Sommer (09:33.423)
Well, I’m a big polarity person. I totally agree with you. I think that’s wonderful. You are very clear that we can’t have emotional balance if we have lopsided perceptions. I spend a good deal of time on the podcast talking about polarities as crucial to embrace for growth. You say, every time we judge an individual or ourselves and put them or ourselves on a pedestal or in a pit,
We exaggerate or minimize our perceptions. So could you explain this with your coin analogy? You’ve already talked about it, but the coin analogy I thought was really cool.
Dr John Demartini (10:14.005)
Well, imagine our self worth being associated with how many coins we’ve stacked up in our life. But we want a coin, but it has heads and tails. And most people are addicted to one side and subdicted from the other. So they want the heads, but they don’t want the tails. So they keep wanting to get a heads.
And they want to get rid of the coin that has the tails. And so they never accumulating self worth because they’re pursuing that which is unobtainable and trying to avoid that which is unavoidable. And the Buddha said that’s the source of human suffering because that’s a passionate misinterpretation of reality. But when you actually embrace both sides, the heads and the tails, the nice, the mean, the kind, the cruel, the pairs of opposites that we all have, see I’m not a nice person. I’m not a mean person. I’m a human being, an individual,
with both sides. You support my values, I’m nice as a pussycat. You challenge my values, I’m going to be mean as a tiger. I am both and I don’t need to get rid of one side of myself. And the side that most people have labeled the shadow isn’t really the shadow and the side that’s the light is not really the light. They’re both needed in different settings at different times. There was a statement in the Old Testament, in Ecclesiastes 3, that the musical group, the birds sang in 1965, turn, turn, turn.
There’s a time and season for everything under the sun, a time for peace, a time for war, a time for sowing, a time for renting, a time for this, a time for that, all pairs of opposites. When you can embrace the pairs of opposites and the moral paradoxes within yourself and embrace the hero and the villain, the saint and the sinner inside you, you master your life. But if you’re trying to get rid of half of yourself and then projecting it all onto other people and they keep showing up in your life, because whatever you run away from, you keep running into, you don’t grow.
You’re basically looking for a fantasy, an amygdala addicted behavior, a dopamine driven fantasy, which is kind of like a moral hypocrisy that we’re trapped in. So wisdom is embracing both sides of our being and the same for other people. Cause if you’re married, you ain’t going to get a support without a challenge. You’re not going to get a kind without accrual. You’re not going to get a positive negative. You’re going to get whatever’s needed for you to maintain your authenticity and to teach you how to be you.
Rhoda Sommer (12:31.631)
Absolutely. I’m a gestalt person. know, and Fritz Pearl said growing up is honestly facing painful situations. And being able to really look at yourself and embrace those disparate polarities is really, really important work. And you’re probably, I’ve been podcasting for 10 years, you’re the first person to really talk about it. So I totally, totally appreciate it. All right.
Rhoda:
Explain how envy can be an eye -opener.
Dr John Demartini (13:07.201)
Well, if you envy somebody, you’re assuming they got something you don’t. But what’s happening is the only reason why you think they have something you don’t is because they have a different set of values and you’re now expecting to live in their values and you already have whatever you see in them, but it’s in your own values and the form of your own values that have created. So can I share on a story that really hits this one?
Rhoda Sommer (13:12.302)
That’s right.
Dr John Demartini (13:30.443)
So I had a gentleman, a doctor quite a few years back say, Dr. Demartini, I’d like to hire you to consult for me to help me become successful. I said, fantastic. The first question I hit him with was, where are you successful? He said, well, I’m not, I want to be. And I said, great, answer my question, where are you successful? Dr. Demartini, you’re not listening to me. I’m not successful. I want to be successful. I said, you’re not listening to me. I’m asking, where are you successful?
Where are you achieving what you set out to achieve and you’re fulfilled in doing so? And he stopped and reflected, cause he realized I was going to keep asking that question until he answered it. He said, okay, my relationship with my wife is exceptional compared to what I see out in the world. We have an amazing relationship. We’ve been together for about 11 years, almost 11 years, and we really have a deep appreciation for each other and a lot of respect. And that’s something I really see.
I said, great, let’s write that down. You have an achievement there that you set out for. Number two, well, my son is in baseball and I’m the coach and we’re probably going to win the pinnit this year. We won last year. We’re probably going to win again this year. And that’s something that I have definitely set out for with my son and he’s close to me and we’re working towards it. Great. What’s third? Okay. Well, my mother -in -law lives with us and I don’t know of anybody that has a mother -in -law to live with without chaos.
And we have an amazing relationship. She is just absolutely part of the family and she’s great. She helps with the kids and da da da. And that is amazing when I stop and think about it. What else? Well, we have beautiful yard and we all work in the yard almost every evening after dinner. We go out into the yard and we do it and we’ll probably win the yard for the summer in our neighborhood. And I said, can you see your whole family’s working together? And that’s a high value to you. Family is very obviously valued too. Yes. What else?
He said, well, now I think about it, I do ministerial work on Wednesdays and Sundays. And I had dreamed to do that when I was 20 and I’m doing that and I’m achieving that. And I’m actually getting to minister people in my church. I said, great. And we found some more successes, right? And I said, now, the only reason why you’re not honoring your successes is because you’re comparing yourself to others. And anytime you compare yourself to others with a different set of values, you’re going to self defeat.
Dr John Demartini (15:55.521)
Cause you’re going to think that you should be like them or ought to be like them. And you’re to have these imperatives injected into your mind and you’re going to inject their values. You’re to be trying to be somebody or not. Be second at being somebody else instead of first at being you. So who are you comparing yourself to? He says, I think I know. There’s a guy up on the hill, 6 ,000 square foot home, three car garage, big practice. I’ve got a practice, but it’s nowhere near like his. I said, I said, okay. So do you know him and his family very well? Yep. He says,
How’s his relationship with his wife? He said, that’s interesting you ask. That’s about as volatile as it gets. They break up and then they make up and it’s screaming and hollering and it’s just insane sometimes. And sometimes I don’t want to be around them because of their bickering and stuff. I said, okay. Now how’s his relationship? Do have any kids? Yeah. He’s got a son? Yeah. How’s his relationship with his son? Well, it’s interesting you say that. He’s having problems in school and he’s doing drugs and he’s getting in trouble and they’re having a hell with that young man.
And he’s not very productive. He’s expecting and entitled. I said, great. And by the way, does he, is the mother in law, does the mother love with her? no, no. They made sure, the husband made sure they moved away and mother’s not even allowed in the house. So it’s chaos. And there’s a major fight between the two families. I said, great. What about their yard? he’s got people doing yard. I don’t think he even notices it. And what about ministerial work? Is he doing the ministerial work? no, no, he’s not into that. He’s into his business. I said, let me explain to you.
That man you’re comparing yourself is not more successful than you or less successful than you. He has a hierarchy of values that have led him to him building a business, making money and doing what he does, big house, cars, et cetera. You have a high value on family and spirituality and you are achieving in your values, he’s achieving in his, you’re not less successful nor more successful. You’re both achieving what your intentions are based on your values, but you’re comparing yourself to him.
And I’ll be willing to bet he’s probably, if he knows you, comparing himself to you wishing he had a relationship and a child like you that was in baseball and doing so well and a beautiful yard that he was participating in. So don’t think you’re less successful or more successful. Nobody is. That’s the big illusion people get trapped in. They compare themselves to others instead of comparing their daily actions to what they truly value most. And how congruent you are at that. That’s what you want to be tackling, not your comparison to other people.
Rhoda Sommer (18:23.887)
I have always thought that values are really important to understand and to help clients look at, but I’ve never put it together the way that you are. I really like it. I think values are so important to understand, but I’m a child of the 60s. We did values clarification back in the day. Do you remember all that? I mean, really, it’s very interesting. I really like the things that you’re…
Dr John Demartini (18:50.529)
On my website, drdemartini .com, there is a free private value determination process. I’ve been working with values 46 years. I’ve taken hundreds of thousands of people through that process. It’s eyeopening. Because if you ask people what their values are, they’ll tell you peace and integrity and truth and honesty and all this other social ideal, moral hypocrisy stuff.
I’m not interested in anything but what your life demonstrates. Cause every decision, every perception, decision and action you take is based on values. And if you don’t know what your values are and you’re injecting others and comparing yourself to others, you’re going to have confusion and conflict within your life and wonder what’s wrong with you when there’s nothing wrong with you. Once you understand what your real values are, you’ll realize your magnificence. So please, if you’re ever listening out there, take advantage of that. It’s free, it’s private.
But do it again. Do it, do it the first time. Cause you’re to want to lie to yourself. You’re not going to want to face the truth of yourself. You’re going to want to think, I’m really peaceful and dedicated to this and put all this little snowy stuff on there. Just be honest with the answers. They’re very clear. There’s little videos to watch to make sure you’re clear. Be honest. It will be eyeopening and then quit setting goals that aren’t aligned with what you value most. Cause you’re going to self defeat if you do.
But once you identify what’s really important to you and prioritize your life and dedicate to what’s most important and delegate what’s not, you liberate yourself to do something extraordinary on planet earth.
Rhoda Sommer (20:27.519)
One of the things I tell people when they’re looking for a therapist is to look at their websites and see if there’s anything for free or if it’s just talking about how great they are. So I love that. I really think that’s wonderful. Let’s see, where are we? In your book, you talk about the self -help gurus teaching and promoting little fantasy worlds that will always be happy. Tell us more about what is real with our emotions.
Dr John Demartini (20:55.809)
Well, the more infatuated we are with somebody, the more we’re frightened of their loss. So for every philia, there’s a phobia. And for every positive, the more the positive, the more the negative, the anxiety of the loss of it. The more we resent something and the more negative we associate with it, the more the fantasy of escape. So the nightmare breeds the fanny of escape and the fantasy breeds the nightmare of
of loss. So we fear the loss of that which we seek, we fear the gain of that which we try to avoid. And these are the two primary stresses that all people have. If you made a list of any stress you’ve ever had in your life, it’s only going to be one of two forms, the perception of loss of something you’re seeking or perception of gaining of something you’re trying to avoid. Once you understand that and that they’re inseparable, the more you infatuate with anything, the more fantasy you associate with, the more philic it becomes.
the more phobic its opposite becomes. So if you’re infatuated with intelligence, you’re going to resent idiots. If you’re resentful to people that are a certain look, you’re going to be infatuated with the opposite. There’s always going to be a pair of opposites. This is the yin and yang of life. When you can face that as long as you infatuate with the one, you have the opposite, they’re inseparable. They’re like quantum entangled particle to antiparticles inside the psyche. And you, they’re, they’re,
inseparable. As Fritz Perl said, they’re here to be in equilibrium, but you keep wanting to shove one out and try to get only one side and you don’t embrace the two sides of life. So the more infatuated you are, the more envious you are, and the more you’re going to fear the loss of them as a friend, fear the loss of them as a girlfriend, fear the loss of them in a social setting, and therefore you’re going to be walking on eggshells, be afraid to say anything negative to them or confront them, hold them accountable.
And this is why managers who are managing people, if they are infatuated or resentful to people, they can’t manage.
Rhoda Sommer (22:55.375)
that’s right, and there’s so many bad managers. I mean, really, wow, that’s so interesting. Share with us about those who get stuck in their inner world in the illusion of victimhood.
Dr John Demartini (23:12.001)
Can I share another story?
Rhoda Sommer (23:13.864)
Absolutely. You have good stories.
Dr John Demartini (23:17.009)
Okay. Now here’s a gentleman that contacted me earlier this year, seven, eight months ago, who was driving down the highway and four cars pulled up on two on one side, two on the side, one in front and back and stopped him on the freeway. They got out with hoods, eye opens, machine guns, and held him at gunpoint.
knocked out his window, undid his car, grabbed him out, put a thing over his head, stuck him in the trunk of one of their cars and left his car on the freeway. Now this gentleman was a very wealthy individual, very well known. They’d been casing his life out and targeting him for a ransom. And they wanted a large sum of money for ransom. Otherwise they’re going to kill his family. That would be what most people would call a little traumatic, just a little bit challenging. Okay? A little bit.
Now this has happened three years ago and he’d been through therapy for three years that was making him a victim and an innocent victim and perpetrating the victim mentality and that, you know, you have post traumatic stress and you’re going to have this and you have intrusive thoughts and all this other stuff. And he was not getting anywhere. And so somebody said, go call that crazy Demartini guy. You know, that guy might be able to help you after all. So he calls.
So I asked him, cause I know that the brain will never allow a memory without an anti -memory. In order to maintain the excitatory and inhibitory ratios in the brain, homeostatic, it has to create an opposite memory in order to counterbalance it to keep the chemistry back. It also has an anti -memory and Neuron Magazine, March 17th, 2016, has a great article on the anti -memory system that has to come in to keep these things in balance.
So I took him through frame by frame by frame, the moment they grabbed him out of the car, put him in the trunk, he smelled the fumes, he was dark. And I went through frame by frame of whatever his sensory perceptions were. And I found out simultaneity where the opposite frame of reference was. So at the moment he’s sitting in constrained, he imagined himself free out in a field. His mind at that moment was free in a field.
When he felt that he was fumes, it was fresh air. When you thought that he was never going to see his family again, he was holding hands with them, going through the field with the fresh air and the beautiful sunshine. So his mind was creating anti -content to counterbalance the content like a vagal freeze response in order to survive a so -called tragedy. When you feel like you can’t fight or flight it, your brain will do that. So in the process of doing that, he dissociated, put that artificial world together,
to counterbalance the so -called tragedy, the comedy and the tragedy, the torture and the ecstasy, they were balanced. I made him frame by frame by frame show where that was until those were brought in sync. The moment they come into sync, the delta and beta waves of the brain come into an alpha theta junction and a gamma synchronicity comes to the brain, there’s an aha, a eureka moment. In that moment, we went frame by frame by frame.
Dr John Demartini (26:38.537)
and neutralize the experience. And once we did, he was in tears. He literally had tears of gratitude. I said, now what’s the benefit of that whole thing happening? He goes, I never asked that question. He said, but I now, now that you asked it, cause nobody’s asked me that, what’s the benefit of this so -called ransom? He said, when I was gone for those weeks, trying to come up with liquid capital to pay these people.
Cause I had assets, but they were tied up in real estate, tied up in businesses, but I couldn’t just get liquid. When I was doing that, all the people in my company that I’ve been trying to push uphill, but kept robbing of accountabilities cause I kept doing it, rose to the occasion and took over the business and did an amazing job. So one of my goals of trying to get people to be accountable in my company took off. And,
I have been taking my wife and kids for granted. I’ve been working incredible hours and I have not appreciated them. And that was the first time I actually appreciated. So I gained appreciation, my wife and kids, like you have no idea. And I lost weight because they didn’t feed me and I lost weight and I ate very little and I developed now, and now that I’m home, a new diet, a new exercise, yoga and meditation,
and my health and fitness is resolved, my relationship is stable. And it was literally almost at a divorce because I was working so much. My kids are now connected to me. My health is back in order and my business, when I was gone, I found out made more money than the cost of the frigging ransom. And I said, so what you’re saying is that these people came in as private consultants,
These ransom guys came in as private consultants to assist you in getting what you intuitively were looking for, but didn’t know how to get. He said, that’s it. He cried, he bawled 10 tears. He says, I feel like I’d like to thank them now because I don’t think any consultant or anybody I saw at hire to try to get me there, I was willing to really listen to and apply. This got me. So sometimes we think that things are in the way when they’re not, they’re on the way.
Dr John Demartini (28:51.871)
And if we ask the question, how did it help us get what we really want? We’ll find out we had unconscious motives to get something that we didn’t know and our outside facade is what’s making us not see it. And then I asked him, what would have been the drawback if this never had happened? What would the drawback of that? And he said, I would possibly with heart attack, divorced, my business would be entangled in things. I wouldn’t know my kids. I wouldn’t even get to see my kids. I said,
Let’s now be grateful because it was all on the way, not in the way.
Rhoda Sommer (29:23.545)
Wow. That’s really, yes, I have no trouble believing it, but I can see where people in the audience might think, what? But it really makes sense, especially if you’re into polarities, and they’re always present, always.
Dr John Demartini (29:41.227)
Well, anytime you seek protection, you attract aggression. Anytime you seek innocence, you attract the perpetrator. Nature always provides these pairs of opposites synchronously, but we want to live in the fantasy of getting a one -sided magnet or a one -sided coin. Life won’t allow that because we don’t grow there. We don’t grow with our fantasies. We stay juvenile dependent. We grow. And that’s why the precocious independence emerges when we get challenged, not supported. We need the challenger.
We need the critical people sometimes to wake us up because we’re not willing to see it ourselves. Any air of our life that we’re not willing to empower, people are going to overpower us. And if we don’t pursue challenges that inspire us, we’re going to get challenges that don’t, to wake us up, to teach us how to pursue challenges and solve problems in the world and help people.
Rhoda Sommer (30:27.055)
That’s right. Balancing the polarities of emotions involves recognizing our own projections onto others. Please share how everybody has every trait and how we dissolve fear and guilt.
Dr John Demartini (30:42.753)
Yeah. 40 years ago, I made observations that sometimes when I was telling and emphasizing something to somebody, was talking to myself. Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Listen to that. I was talking to me and I realized that my reactions to people,
was when I was too proud or too humble to admit what I saw in them inside me.
So I found out that, and this is something that even biblical statements go back and Romans 2, 1 talks about, beware of judging because you do the same thing. So what I did is I realized that whatever you resent in somebody, it’s reminding something of something you feel ashamed of and have dissociated from the shame with a cover up called pride. And you’re too proud to admit what you see in them inside you.
And so you want to label them and put your finger down and have a moral hypocrisy pretending they do this, but not you. It’s a projection. But the real truth is you do the same thing. And the only reason you’re reacting to it is you feel guilty about it and shame about it. So when I finally realized it’s the same thing in reverse on admiration, you only admire people that represent parts of you you didn’t see, like the guy who thought that guy was successful, he had success, but he wasn’t honoring his form. But yet at the same time, he was feeling inspired and proud.
that he had a beautiful wife and kids and da da da. So once I realized that 40 years ago, I went to the Oxford English Dictionary, which is the largest dictionary I could find. And I went through, neurotically, anybody who’s watching this will know this guy, definitely neurotic. I went through the neurotically and I underlined every possible human behavioral trait you can find in the dictionary. And I mean extremes. And I found 4 ,628 traits. Now Gordon Alport,
35 years earlier found, you know, about, I think 4 ,000. So I think the dictionary has grown since then. I found 4 ,628. I went there and I wrote out on the side, I underlined the trait, nice, mean, kind, cruel, positive, negative, supportive, challenged, honest, dishonest, all of them. I wrote out to the side, who do I know that I project onto that I think is the most extreme example of that positive or negative trait? I wrote their initials out there.
Dr John Demartini (33:03.969)
And then I made a commitment to go and find out where and when I displayed that behavior and to whom and who’s perceived me that way until they were quantitatively and qualitatively equal to the most extreme people I could see. I found out that I had every trait in my life, nice, mean, kind, cruel, considered, inconsiderate, cold, warm, know, forthright, withdrawn, secretive. mean, I had every trait that I’ve ever judged anybody about. I had all 4 ,628 traits. And then I noticed,
that my reaction to people around me was more reflective. Instead of them pushing my buttons, I just said, well, they’re going through what I’ve been through. And it made me pause and use systems two thinking and think before I react. More so than systems one react before I think. So I did that and it’s a preemptive strike with foresight to look at where it is. And then I realized,
If it was a positive trait, I asked what were the downsides? And if it was a negative trait, what were the upsides? Because if the trait is there and it hasn’t gone extinct and it must serve a purpose, it would have gone extinct. So I’m going, so what is this trait? How can this be a value? And I’m now convinced that some of the traits that we’ve labeled the shadow and the negative and all that is actually there by a moral licensing effect to break our addictions to the other side of one -sidedness.
It’s there to accompany it, to break our addictions to fantasies, so we can set real objectives and live really with more meaning in life. So your whole life is all that. You know, there’s nothing missing. I always say at the level of the essence of the soul, nothing’s missing in us. At the level of the existence of our senses, things appear to be missing. The things that appear to be missing in our lives are the things we’re too proud or too humble to admit that we see in others inside ourselves. We don’t see it in ourselves, but we have it. And so once we do that, we own the traits of the graves.
We stand on the shoulders of giants, both heroes and villains, and you cannot rise up into the highest levels of achievement without being a hero and a villain to somebody. I mean, look at Trump. He’s a hero and a villain. A billion people hate him. A billion people like him. Okay. Welcome to it. So the question is, are you willing to have a billion people dislike you and like you? you are, can influence 2 billion people.
Rhoda Sommer (35:21.223)
Say a little bit more though about fear because anxiety is so running rampant.
Dr John Demartini (35:31.905)
Yeah. So I had a lady, I’ll tell a story. I had a lady who was 16 years old, standing on a corner outside the city of London, it’s a little suburb. She’s hanging on the corner with about four five of her friends and they’re smoking weed, smoking marijuana, right? Trying to expand their consciousness through natural herbal means.
She has a crush on this one tall guy, but she’s afraid and intimidated about speaking up. So she’s there with her friends just to make sure that they can hang out. And he kind of likes her and she kind of likes him, but they’re both kind of shy. A car pulls up and they’re up on a knoll on a sidewalk where then the street kind of goes down a bit. So you have to kind of go down this grassy little section to go down to the street. A car pulls up and opens the window.
and the door and says, excuse me, we’re lost. We’re trying to find the street. Can you help me? And so the girl walks down and knew where the street was and walked down to try to go in and see if she could help the people find the street. Well, she fell for it. She was gullible, wasn’t thinking. And there were three guys in the back seat, two guys in the front seat, they grabbed her and tried to pull her into the car. As she was doing it, she screamed and yelled and they were literally starting to drive pulling her.
the guy that she hoped for, her hero, the one she had the fantasy about, lunges across and grabs and runs and grabs her legs and pulls her, makes it difficult for them to take off and then grabs it. She gets scraped along the ground a bit. They finally let go and shut the door and drove off. They’re afraid that they’d see their car lights and stuff. Took off. So it didn’t work. So she’s now in shock. She now scraped.
She has to go to the hospital to get some bandages and stuff, calls her family and parents. The boy stays with her all that time, all the way to home, stays that night, stays over to make sure she’s okay. That’s her dream. Calls his parents, you know, I’m going to be, there’s been an accident, ta ta. So she comes to me after probably two months. She’s having
Dr John Demartini (37:51.293)
intrusive thoughts, she can’t sleep, she’s afraid to get in her car, she’s got all these associations she’s made in her brain, right? She’s been injured, she’s feeling embarrassed by her looks, by the scrapes, da da da da da. So she’s having an anxiety and can’t get it out of her mind. And they want to give her anxiety meds, which to me is the last resort, not the first resort. So I had her go into the moment and I said, let’s take it and itemize the content again, find exactly the content. So at that moment,
They’re trying to pull you down off the knoll. And I asked, so what was trying to pull you up? This man that I like. They’re trying to constrain you. Who’s trying to set you free? The man that I like. They’re trying to harm you. Who’s trying to protect you? The man that I like. I made her look and who’s, if these guys are in front of you, who’s behind you? The man’s got my legs.
And I showed her that there’s never a side without the opposite side. There are pairs of opposites. These polarities always come in pairs. And if you see one, you’re emotional. If you see both simultaneously, you are actually present. And when you’re present, there’s no phobias. Fear is an assumption that there’s about to be, through your senses or imagination, more negatives than positives. Fantasies or philias are an assumption you’re going to get more positives than negatives. Both are delusive. They’re incomplete awarenesses.
So I showed her where the other side was. And as we went frame by frame by frame from frame by that, it neutralized all the anxiety. We got through, which took less than two hours. No anxiety. Anxiety is secondary associations that come up after a primary event that you saw negatives without positives in, which now becomes a fear of it happening again, cause it’s a predator in your mind. So you now,
And then anything to remind you of the colors of the skin, the temperature outside, anything to remind you of that original event can initiate an anxiety response, a micro fear. And they can all come up. And then you can get new associations and secondary and tertiary associations with the primary event. And eventually a whole bunch of things can cause you anxiety. You don’t even know where it’s starting from, but there’s an original event there. If I go and neutralize the original event with the pairs of opposites and find the benefits of it happening and the drawbacks of not.
Dr John Demartini (40:10.763)
When I asked her, what’s the benefit it happening? She got, I got the man I wanted and I probably, if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have got him because I would have been too shy and he was too shy. But he wasn’t shy to rescue her and she wasn’t shy to have being rescued. And she had him over at the house and that because of that, they had a special connection. That event brought them together. And she goes, when I stop and think about what I got out of it, the pain is insignificant compared to the advantages I’ve got. Thank you.
I said, well then when you’re, the way you know you’re really through with your so -called therapy, cause no therapy is really ever complete till cause equals effect in space time. There’s no separation in space time is when you can thank the people who tried to take you down. Cause they were specialists. said the guy probably paid them to figure out a way of getting to you, you know.
Rhoda Sommer (41:01.039)
That is really interesting. I appreciate you are very values -based and in fact have a free way to explore values on your website, which you mentioned earlier. I love this quote from your book. Certainty in your life is directly proportionate to the congruency between your goals or objectives and your highest values. Tell us more about how this works.
Dr John Demartini (41:28.065)
Well, everybody has a hierarchy of values, a set of priorities they live their life by, things that are most to least important. And whatever’s highest on our value, we spontaneously are inspired to do. And whatever’s low on our value, we need external motivation, incentives and reminders to do. For instance, a young boy who loves video games, you don’t have a mother saying, now Johnny, stop doing your video games. No, stop doing your homework and go do your video games. She never has to say that.
But she may have to say, stop doing your video games and do your homework. Cause homework is low on his values and video games is high. So whatever’s high, we spontaneously inspire to do. have the least amount of inefficiencies and most effectancy when we do it. That’s where our ontological identity revolves around our highest value, our epistemological area of expertise revolves around it and our teleological purpose revolves around it. So finding out what that is and prioritizing your daily actions to fulfill that.
is what liberates people from a lot of baggage and bondage and a lot of frustration in their life. And learning how to delegate those things that are not inspiring to those people who are inspired to do that, to engage you in doing something you are inspired to do and be remunerated so you do what you love and love what you do. It’s your vocation, your vacation is the same, is what masters life. That’s how we master our life. So prioritizing our life and values is crucial.
And if we do that and live congruently, we maximize our self worth, we maximize our achievement, we expand our space and time horizons, which breaks us more broad minded and started narrow minded. We’re more universal in our moralities, more adaptable to people and resilient and less rigid and stuck. So there’s just by living by highest values, it’s crucial. And when we do, we’re more objective and less fear and phobia philia based, less fantasy and nightmare based.
Because if we’re neutral, we don’t have the fear of loss or gain. When we’re polarized, we have the fear of gain or loss. But when we’re actually neutral, we’re actually liberate. We’re in an unattached Buddhist middle path, if you will. We’re in a Taoist way. We’re in the Christian equanimity state. You know, the mystics have talked about this for centuries, a bodhisattva state. And we all have access to it, regardless of our faith or belief system, we have access to that state, whatever language we may use.
Rhoda Sommer (43:49.935)
Hey, how can we figure out whether or not we are living? I think you really talked about that. I often tell people to look at their credit card statements and calendars to determine where their time and money is spent and if it fits with their values of what really matters. What would you add to this more specifically?
Dr John Demartini (44:12.161)
of your values dictates your financial destiny. Tell me what you value and I’ll tell you the way your money is going to go. Now, what people do is they think they know what their values are, but they don’t. And I’ve been doing value determination 46 years. So I was in Johannesburg. I was speaking to about 5 ,000 people at a conference called the Success Summit. That’s the title they gave it. Richard Branson was the close, I was the open to the program. And I stood up on the stage, I looked out of the room,
I said, how many of you want to be financially independent where your passive income exceeds your active income? Every hand went up, some had two hands, some put their leg in the air. Okay. So obviously the ones that put the leg in the air and the hand, the double hand up means that they really didn’t have it they really fantasized about it, right? I said, great. So you all say that you want that. That’s what you say to yourself. That’s what your words are. How many of you are financially independent?
All the hands except seven hands out of 5 ,000 people went down. I said, so what you say you want and what your life demonstrates what you want are not the same. And the first thing about mastering life is to realize the BS you give yourself and how you lie to yourself about what’s important. So then I asked him a serious question.
Because until you know what your values are and where money fits in there, you’re probably going to live in a delusion about your wealth. So then I said, I’m going to give you 10 million US dollars. And you got 60 seconds to write the 10 things you would do with 10 million US dollars. Everybody just imagine, you just got $10 million, boom, pull out in front of you. You have 60 seconds to write the 10 things you would do with that, that 10 million dollars. And you got 60 cents on your mark, get set, go. And they quickly write down the 10 things they would do with that 10 million dollars. I said, now stop.
hand your sheet or what you just wrote to your person next to you. The person next to it that gets it, identify which of that $10 million is now still an asset and which was spent on consumables that depreciate in value. 20 to 80 % in that room had spent 20 to 80 % of the money, 10 million, that’s two to $8 million was spent in 60 seconds on things that went down in value.
Dr John Demartini (46:28.577)
only 5 people out of 5 ,000 people, 0 .1%, put all of their money into assets to let it grow and to make a commitment to have their wealth continue to expand and live only on dividends and only on a portion of it. They were the ones that were the seven that had the hands up that were going to be wealthy. Cause they understood that if you buy things that go up in value, move towards actual wealth. If you buy things that go down in value, move towards poverty.
And the rich get rich and the poor get poor because of their value system. So then they realized what I say is not what I’m actually living. And what I’m living is my values. The hierarchy of my values is dictating how I’m managing my money. So unless I have a shift in values, I’m not going to have a shift in financial positioning. So then we talked about the next hour or so was about how do we shift the values
And what is it that makes us feel unworthy to be able to receive and invest and make our money work for us so we’re not a slave, we’re its master.
Rhoda Sommer (47:29.762)
What a great way of really outlining values and how they don’t fit what you think they are. That’s great. Amazing.
Dr John Demartini (47:40.705)
Yeah. Well, I have women that come up to me, pardon me for saying this, but I have had, and there’s men, but there’s about 10 % of the number of men that come to mare to women on about this question. They want to find their soul mate. Okay. Now the woman, I was driving from Ojai, California to LA. This lady asked if she could drive me instead of my car service. I went, okay, I know what you’re really wanting to do. You want a free console. So she wants to do it because I spoke to her the night before.
And she said, can you help me find my soulmate? And I said, sure, I can do that. I said, what are you looking for in a soulmate? And I made a list about 30 different things that she was looking for. I said, great. Now what’s the opposite of that? Cause that’s what comes with it too. You don’t get it one side, you get the other side. Nice, mean, kind, cruel, intelligent, but maybe argumentative or something. I said, now we get that. Now, are you sure you want that?
Cause that’s what comes with it. She says, well, I don’t want that half. I only want that half. I said, well, then you’re not ready to have a soulmate, are you? I said, so now explain something. The reason why you don’t have a man in your life is very simple. Now let’s make a list of the last three or four relationships you’ve had that lasted six months or longer. She had four. I said, now I assure you that there’s some pain associated with those relationships and you swore you don’t want to go through that again. She goes, well, that’s true. One of the guys was very, very wealthy.
but controlled her, didn’t want her to work and let her company just go down to pits. And then he dumped her because she was dependent, spending money. And then all of a sudden now she has no job. And she said, I don’t want to ever get trapped like that again. So she was basically saying, I want a wealthy guy, but I don’t really want a wealthy guy because that’s scary. Then the next one said, I got a really handsome guy, real stud, but women are all over him, secretly doing things.
He thought that he should not have to do much for the woman because he was so good looking, a little bit of a gigolo. And then she goes, wow, I don’t want that. But she would say, I want those things. But deep inside her unconscious was saying pain, pain, pain. So I showed her all the pains that were making her dodge those behaviors, even though she’s claiming she wants them. I said, unless we dissolve the baggage with those, you’re going to protect yourself from that.
And you’re basically saying you want a relationship, but unconsciously you don’t really want it. You’re frightened. So I went in there and I dissolved, I had enough drive, I dissolved some of the pain she had with those four relationships. And I told her she was in tears of gratitude for those behaviors and saw I had an order to it. Once she did, I said, now, are you willing to have both sides? She goes, I can see now that what that did is it made me more independent.
Dr John Demartini (50:24.993)
less infatuate with the guy. Cause if I’m infatuated, I sacrifice for him. I give up what is important to me. And that’s the sign he’s not the one. That’s the sign. When you infatuate, that’s not the guy. When you’re stable and you’d feel you can be yourself around, now you’ve got a stable guy. It’s a bantering, not a fantasize. So when we got through, she was more stable. And I said, now, can you see that where in your life each one of these traits are? I went in and itemized all 30 of those behaviors.
and showed her that those behaviors are in her life with all her friends and colleagues and clients, and they’re paying her. So she’s getting the benefit of getting paid by the clients that are representing the trait she’s looking for in a man and that’s safe because she’s in command of those people and getting paid by those people. And when we got through, she goes, I’m not missing anything. I’m now prepared for both sides. I’m not desperate, which is what turns guys off. And I’m not wanting an infatuated fantasy where I have to put on a facade in order to get them.
Three weeks later, she got her guy.
Rhoda Sommer (51:28.624)
Wow, any last points that you’d like to make?
Dr John Demartini (51:35.125)
The magnificence of who you are is far greater than any fantasy you’ll ever impose on yourself by the comparison to others.
honor the magnificence of who you are, like the guy that thought he had no success. Look deeper, find out what your unconscious and subconscious is actually creating and start prioritizing your life and set goals that really match what’s really important to you. Go on the website, take advantage of the free value determination process, but go on there and really get truthful to yourself about what’s really important.
and get real truthful about what’s possible. Because if you set up a fantasy, all you’re going to do is get a nightmare. And a fantasy is anytime you expect someone to be one sided and not both sided. A fantasy is anytime you expect somebody to live in your values, not their own. A fantasy is anytime you expect yourself to be one sided and not both sided. And a fantasy is anytime you expect yourself to live in somebody else’s values. None of that works. So just realize, just honor who you are and start to learn how to communicate what you want in terms of what other people want so they win as you win.
Rhoda Sommer (52:42.05)
Remind my audience about your three websites and the title of your book so they know where to reach out.
Dr John Demartini (52:49.291)
Well, I really have one website, drdemartini.com. Under our links, the value application, if you go on the website, it’ll take you there. So you just go to one website, drdemartini .com. And then there’s lots of books. mean, there’s Got the Resilient Mind and I Got the Productivity Factor and I’ve Got the Breakthrough Experience. And we also have the one that’s the Emotions, Essentials Emotional Intelligence, which has come out.
Rhoda Sommer (53:13.346)
All right. If you’re hearing this message, you’ve listened to the entire episode, and for that, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you enjoyed this new episode, and if you did, please leave us a review on Amazon Music and Spotify. You can follow me on Instagram at Rhoda on Couples. Thanks for listening.
