Relationship, Relationships, Connection, Communication,relationship problems,relationship

We All Want a Relationship with a Clone

Deep down we all want people to be like ourselves, then it would be oh, so much easier. Love can easily disintegrate into this unspoken demand that you should be more like me.

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After almost 40 years of working to help couples, I offer a podcast of substance on what relationships require to last for the long haul. I use books & movies to illustrate the points I’m trying to make. I offer challenges of things you can actually do in your own relationship at the end of every podcast which is under 10 minutes.

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Deep down we all want people to be like ourselves, then it would be oh, so much easier. Love can easily disintegrate into this unspoken demand that you should be more like me

Initially, we fall in love with the differences, we appreciate one is careful & the other spontaneous. We feel attracted to opposite energy because it is edgy, different & more interesting. Then too often in years 6 to 10 we tire of the differences. “Why can’t they vote the way I do, or be interested in culture the way I do, or stop watching so many sports or….or….or………we can make it become easy to become annoyed & then make the easy leap into disgusted.

We want someone who understands us without having to ask for what we want or explain how we feel. If he loved me he would know what I want.
We want someone who brings us flowers because thats what we would do.

We want someone who is as fascinated as we are with our most recent project success at work.

We want someone who gets our desire to smoke pot every day.
We want someone who is more exciting in bed or someone who is willing to ignore sex the way we want to ignore it.

People begin to have conversations with the other person silently within themselves. They believe they know what the other person will say which feeds their resentments, or they hint around at the problems but not with any authentic truth that captures the other persons attention. We start to manufacture a more ugly version of whats going on because we feel frustrated.

Wanting a Clone, someone who is more like yourself is one way to detour growing up. Growing up is honestly facing painful situations. Growing up means facing your immature need to hang out in the sameness. Learning to regain respect for the differences is the hard work of restoring a relationship.

The less grown up we are the more we project onto others. Mothers project on their children “Oh they are so much like me”…..then adolescence can be a real battle because teens are working on their identity different from their parents. We often project, wanting people to be more like us or not recognizing truths about ourselves but seeing it in others.

Carrie Mathison on Showtime’s Homeland this season stops taking her meds for her Bipolar disease & she starts screaming abuse at her lovely new German boyfriend that he’s Boring & so stable she can’t stand him. She is manic so the words are magnified & exaggerated but it’s a good example that the differences that attract can begin to repel.
When this happens it simply means means that work needs to be done, not that the relationship is over.

Just because we want love or attention delivered in a certain way doesn’t mean we will get it. Our expectations can be really kooky if we want someone to be like us…….it’s important to grow up & return to respecting the differences.

My challenge for you today:
Think about how you & your partner are different from each other. Maybe even make a list of what differences you fell
in love with originally. Be honest about which differences bug you the most & ask yourself what differences do you think bug your partner the most? Do you need to work on returning to respect the differences?

Find me on twitter & instagram at rhodaoncouples.

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About the Rhoda Mills Sommer

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