It is a very powerful instinct to run after the person who is leaving you behind. It’s also an instinct that is wrong, and everybody does it anyway. If only I say the right combination of words….. If only I can convince them….If only, if only…….
In therapyidea terms this is called pursuer/pursued. It’s a very ordinary part of being dumped. The pursuer chases after the pursued & what happens? The pursued runs away even harder & faster.
So make tons of begging phone calls and give speeches all about how you’ll be different and in the meantime you are of course proving you’re the same jerk, insisting upon having your own way. You are also not listening to the other person who is saying some version of “I want space.” Instead, you are demanding that they listen to you and the pursued person is rolling their eyes because they are having the same old experience.
Love is not about suffocating someone else with what you want.
So back up & do the hard work of acting different. Don’t pester them with all the questions running around in your own head. Don’t get angry that they have finally found the courage to tell you some truth. Open yourself up to your mistakes & write a very specific letter making amends & validate what you are supposed to be learning from this relationship.
You might as well cut off your head & serve it on a platter as definitive proof you are indeed unworthy when you suffocate the pursued with your own point of view over & over & over.
“BUT” you are thinking to yourself. What does the “but” really do? But always erases what goes before it. “I really love you but you don’t understand me” translated means “You must UNDERSTAND ME”. Once again making the other person’s wants invisible which is why they are leaving you in the dust.
When someone is angry enough to leave they are not feeling heard. The only true evidence of change is to give them what they want……..space.
Find your inner quiet dignity, back up your own fears of being lonely, and tame your dependency needs. If you allow your own desperateness to be in charge of you, then you fill up the space with your insecurities crowding them into knowing for certain that they are right to leave you behind.
