Married Man with a mistress; he has all the benefits of lying while she pays the price of delaying her opportunities to find someone who loves her first & foremost. Affairs with a married man cost so much and it’s easy to pretend & keep the fantasy burning bright. Who wants to face the terrible lonliness to start over? This letter was written & sent by someone who was happy to have it published in case it helps another woman find the courage to leave.
Dear Married Man;
Everything about this is wrong…
I’ll try my best to stick to taking my own inventory and owning my part in this. I own that I wanted you the minute I saw you. I own that I pursued you. I own that I ignored your words when you said, “I’m never going to leave my wife.” I own that I was persistent even when you said it was over. I own that given the opportunity to create the perfect partner, it would be you.
Now I have to own that though this is hard as hell (as tears stream down my face) I am the one that has to end this.
I thought I could handle this.
“Two consenting adults enjoying an amazing sensual and sexual relationship.”
I was wrong.
Not only was I wrong but I broke the cardinal rule and developed feelings, real feelings, deep f***ing feelings.
-I get butterflies when I anticipate seeing you.
-I’m sad when you leave.
-I want more and more of you every day.
-I worry about you when you are working.
-I think about you constantly and want to share my experiences with you.
-I want to run to you.
-I dream about you ever night.
I fantasize about us as a couple, as partners, as friends, each of us the other’s biggest fan and supporter. We would be awesome!
Then reality of being with a Married Man sets in- there will be no “us”
There will be no trips, no hand holding on the beach, no introductions to new friends, no movies, no dressing up and going out to dinner, no birthday or holiday celebrations, no walks in the park, no falling asleep and waking up in your arms.
None of it!
I’ll simply be Married Man’s lover- never anything more. I’m nothing more than a secret.
I deserve so much more.
I didn’t muster up the courage to end a 22 year loveless marriage to settle being someone’s- sometime. I’m so much better than this.
And then there is my stupidity, madness and unrealistic expectations.
Maybe he will leave her
Maybe I really am special
Is he thinking about me as much as I think about him?
If I got sick would he sit by my bedside?
If he got hurt could I sit by his bedside?
Stupid, so fucking stupid!!
So what is this? What are we? What are you?
This is an affair. We are lovers. You are an addiction and an obsession.
My sickness prevails and is winning. Addictive obsession has not been lifted and I’m certainly not practicing the principles of recovery in all of my affairs.
I’m talking clean but certainly living dirty with a married man.
I’m broken, empty and sad. I’m looking for an external fix (married man) to cure my internal pain.
How can something that feels so right be so wrong?
Your smile, your laugh, your touch excite and rekindle the ambers that remain in my heart. I listen to your voicemails, the sound of your voice makes me feel like a giddy school girl. When my head is on your chest, listening to your heart beat, it’s like time stands still. I feel safe, I feel whole and the pressures of reality vanish for just a few sacred moments. I feel peace.
We make love, we f***, we climax and orgasm. We lie in silence in each other’s arms. I caress your face, your chest, your arms and your palms. I know that you love my touch. You tell me I am the “best” you’ve ever had. You pleasure me beyond belief, taking me places I never knew existed. I memorize your face because I know it will soon be gone and I will need to resort to the memory of you (married man) in my bed.
You shower, washing away evidence of our sex and passion. As I wash you, I just want to start all over and over again in the shower. I don’t want it to end, I don’t want you to leave.
You dress and tell me not to touch, hug or kiss you as you don’t want to take my scent or any part of me with you.
You leave, you go back to her, you tell her a lie and return to your life.
As you drive away, I am overcome with sadness. I sit alone reminiscing about the amazing sex that meant something to me but was only a f*** to you. The short lived feelings of ecstasy are replaced by crushing pain, guilt and shame of being with a married man.
Reality once again sets in- you belong to another and will never be mine.
I feel like a whore.
I don’t want to do this anymore but I miss you more than you will ever know.
I have to be strong.
I am worthy of love and deserve to be more than a lie.
The thought of never seeing you again, never feeling you inside of me is too overwhelming.
I turn to the principles I have learned during my recovery.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” I say it over and over again to help halt the wave of anxiety. I know I am substituting sex with a married man for alcohol.
One day at a time…
I just don’t have to have sex with you, a married man today.
Everything about this is wrong…& I’m sending this to you because I know it must end for me to be well, in order to be really be honest for myself in recovery.
Wow. I felt your emotions to my very core. I too have been in your situation. The only thing I replaced him with was the goal of finding another guy who was willing to commit to me with all of my baggages. Replacing him with alcohol is replacing one toxic thing to another. Look around, there are other guys out there. Guys who will love you for who you are and yes, I did put in guys, there are more than one. Open your heart to that possibility. Once you have that, it is easy to let go.
Wow that was so deep I had alot of what I’m going through confirmed with this letter. and its straight from the heart and to the point. love it 10 out of 10 to the person who wrote this.
Disgusting ? how do you think the wife would feel about your steamy passion with her husband…and then you write about it ?
I am to in the same situation,I have been texting this man for almost 2 years.And wanted to say goodbuy in April 2020, but when I deleted him on facebook,and messenger.He somehow got to me through the web, and we have been chatting since. Would send me jokes,beautiful songs, and love emoji’s.He also told me that if his wife should die, that he will only sleep around, which schocked me.I am very much attracted to him,he definately knows how to charm a lady.But on Sunday when I said he must please delete me from his memory and history, he did… Read more »
You don’t know anyone at all just by texting. This Goodbye letter is about self delusion. You fool yourself into believing that things are ok when they are not. Rhoda
I have been having an affair for almost 5 years now, I can relate to your letter a great deal it sums up exactly how I feel. Part of me wants to end it, part of me doesn’t I love him so much and know he will never be mine. We get to spend nights together (his wife works night shift), and the thought of us waking up together lights up my life. The sex is out of this world. But that’s all it is sex no been seen in public together, no gifts on special occasions no induction to… Read more »
To clarify it is not me…it was a client who wrote this anonymously. Consider the lopsidedness of the relationship, perhaps visualize the wife & the lies he tells to both of you(he lacks character), & remember the investment of time (years) remind yourself of other priorities separate from him that help YOU live a better life for you (your energy is sidetracked). Rhoda
I empathise totally with this heartbreak. I have only been having an affair for a short time. The man involved takes an interest in my grown up autistic son and does lots of kind things for me around t he house like fitting appliances and doing the electrics. The sex is good but not much time spent together. I am 20 years older than him and there is something of the ” last chance ” thing that made me have sex with him . He tried to win me over for 2 years before we finally made it a sexual… Read more »
The one who loves the least has the most power. Rhoda
Ive been having an affair with a married man for 3 1/2 yrs we have tried several times to stop it but one of us always end up talking then next thing we are seeing each other talking messaging several times throughout the day. It seems like when I feel like I’m strong enough doing okay no contact he starts love bombing me and I’m right back obsessed and depressed because we cant be together. He says he has no choice at this time do to financial issues he doesnt want to depend on me like he does his wife.… Read more »
I would recommend reading Attached by Amir Levine. You need to understand you may be an anxious attacher. The bitterest woman I ever met was someone who was a mistress for over 20 years. Bitter is no place to spend precious time on!I suggest therapy with someone who is challenging.
That letter gave me goosebumps, its exactly what I have been trying to right but just could not find the words. I connected with an old college friend, we were friends back then but life happened and we fell out of touch, recently started talking again, confiding in each other, going for coffee, lunches and walks, becoming like a real bestie, like really good friends. Then the holidays happened. We met up, had a party for two and ended up sleeping together. He always complained about how he never had time to himself and felt like a single dad in… Read more »
He is a good man & a liar & a cheat; all are true. For you to have your best life you need to be free to find more than leftovers & yes, it sucks & it may be the hardest thing you ever do. He has a choice to be honest & he is not. Rhoda
cried so bad reading this letter. I felt every single line to my core. i felt your weakness in your strenght. Your bravery in the face of surrender. You’re not wicked, you simply made a mistake we’ve all made, are makind or yet to make.i’m such victim and i hope this helps. Thank you Writer.
This letter depicts me!! 100% except alcohol!! It’s been 18years, and now it sickens me because I’m going to end this , I love him so much!! But I’m nothing more than a piece of ass to him, and I have been patiently waiting . Finally got some courage to leave , because he wasn’t never there , I did this I did! Finally doing something about it !
Thank you for writing this. Although, we haven’t reached the intercourse stage, which we both needed. I’ve just decided that I do not want to hurt his wife. I cannot enjoy sex if I have that nagging feeling of enjoying another woman’s husband, even though I knew him first back 20 years ago and we’re still in love till this day. He married her when we broke up 13 years ago. Now somehow he came back and intended to be friends but our sexual chemistry ignited strongly. The problem is that we have made love before but he didn’t enter… Read more »
I was one of those woman who hated cheating and despised infidelity then I met him, started as friends and then we had an affair for a whole 5 months we fell inlove,after the affair ended both of our decisions,it took me a whole 3 years till today, to just be okay to heal,to pick up my shattered heart and life and all the pieces from the floor and fix what I broke, it really changed me, and yes I loved him , still do with all my heart it was just never meant to be at all, but at… Read more »
Thank you for sharing this with the world.