It is easier to hide out in the familiarity of self-doubt than to face the hard work of building self-esteem. Self doubt is like an old familiar friend that we want others to take care of. Looking for reassurance outside of ourselves & avoiding staking a claim on our own life has become ordinary.
A woman has extremely hysterical temper tantrums & says terrible things to her partner because deep down she wants the reassurance of being loved no matter what. “If you loved me you’d forgive me” she demands because that’s how it was or wasn’t in childhood. Her agenda; it’s your job to make me feel ok.
Putting someone else in this constant position of “make it ok for me” allows no room for the other person’s needs. Sometimes we seek out relationships with people who ask too much of us, because we are looking for confirmation that we are not ok. This is one way to avoid the responsibility of figuring out how to feel ok within ourselves.
Young people tell me they want to star in a rock band but they don’t practice or they want to go to culinary school but haven’t looked up the requirements on the internet. Finding the courage to risk discomfort and trying something new is the path of building security & confidence. Youth is a time to experiment & adventure, it’s sad that I see less of it than ever before.
People keep their worlds very tight & small, avoiding new experiences and the wisdom garnered from mistakes. People want their partners to fix their insecurities. People get high or drink to bury their insecurities, instead of learning how to face the shadow side of who they are.
Only through self-awareness, ownership of misdeeds & interacting in a more authentic way can anyone build their self-esteem. Confidence comes from doing things that are difficult & sticking with the journey. Success is meant to be discovered, not expected.
So try putting in a tile floor or a new toilet by yourself. Plant a garden, go back to school, learn to ride a horse. Passivity isn’t going to get you anywhere. Do something that scares you & earn some self confidence instead of expecting your partner to fix it for you.
Other people can’t solve your battle with self-doubt. That’s your job. Self acceptance is something that has to be worked on. We all have to take any opportunity to be more honest about hard things with someone you love, which in the long run, can be very empowering.
Facing harsh realities about our own lives makes us stronger. No one else can do that for us, which is how we build greater security within. Everyone has a pile of self-doubt. It’s making the effort to make more of life & pushing out into the unknown that helps us feel stronger.
