sexuality,sensuality,improving sex life,sexuality

“I lose my respect for the man who can make the mystery of sex the subject of a coarse jest, yet, when you speak earnestly and seriously on the subject, is silent.” – Henry David Thoreau
Sexuality should not be ignored.  In 2018 25% of Americans reported having no sex at all in the past year.
Only 39% reported having sex once a week. Sex is an important way to share pleasure. People need to
talk to each other about what to do to improve their sex life. Silence about sex too often leads to
celibacy. Unfortunately, America’s puritan beginnings seem to be alive and well when it comes to
Many women can still be reserved about the normal pursuit of pleasure. Owning your sexuality means
learning how your own body works before sharing it with someone else. Author Emily Nagoski does a
MARVELOUS Tedx talk here:

Too many couples ignore sex. It’s sad that in couples work I’ve lost clients because I ask them to be serious about improving their sexuality. I ask all my couple’s to practice talking to each other more about what works in their sex life & what doesn’t.

Often women don’t own their sexuality. Young women think more about pleasing their boyfriends & ignore their own pleasure in sexuality. If you wonder whether or not you’ve experienced orgasm, you have not. If you have, there will be NO doubt in your mind.

Most men are very grounded in their sexuality. Their sense of well being is connected to a healthy sex life. Men are happy when sex works in their life & in fact live longer. Some men don’t understand women require more intimacy before sexuality works well for them.

Many women are very grounded in intimacy as foreplay. An emotional connection comes first then sexuality. For women, intimacy is based on small moments of emotion and connection that happen throughout the day, not the ten minutes before bed. One sex therapist recommends that men should consider foreplay as beginning twelve hours prior to sexuality.

Too often in partnerships, sexuality is too infrequent, or too much, with someone having an affair.

Sexuality in partnerships suffer from in two ways: 1. Too often men are easily satisfied with a relationship as long as sexual needs are met. 2. Too often women withhold sexuality and use it as a report card on the relationship. These are stereotypes, but they ring true.

Sexuality does matter and should not be looked at as naturally disappearing over time. Sexuality should be a regular part of the pleasure you enjoy in life.

The person who wants sex the least is the one who has the most power.

Women often struggle to achieve orgasm because their thinking interferes with feeling their own sexual arousal. If a woman does not understand how to bring herself to orgasm it’s really unfair to expect your partner to solve the problem for you. It’s your body to learn about, it begins with you. A great website designed to help women orgasm was put together by Dr. Betty Dodson & Carlin Ross. Dr. Dodson calls herself “a sex positive feminist liberating women one orgasm at a time.”

Another terrific resource is The Principles Of Pleasure a 3 episode mini series on Netflix. It is chock full of solid information & will make you consider how to value pleasure more in your life. Watch it & Learn!

Book: Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic by Esther Perel (renowned sex expert)

Facts to Consider:
(Taken with permission from two workshops in 2003/2004 on Sexuality with Barry McCarthy, Ph.D.)

– Being Non-sexual is a powerful drain on a relationship, it can play a 50-75% negative role. Do not underestimate the damage that can be done.

– Sexuality improves when men learn to value intimacy and women value erotic scenarios. Sex is a team sport.

– Self-consciousness is the big interrupter to eroticism & sexuality.

– Movies give the wrong messages about sexuality: short, intense, always wonderful. In real life, it is important to have positive, realistic expectations.

– Viagra works 66-80% of the time, not 100%.

– Women are more variable and flexible in orgasmic response. In sexuality men can move too quickly in to the genital stimulation of women.

– Less than 50% of women enjoy breast stimulation until they are at higher levels of arousal.

– Women must find their own sexual voice.

– Computer sex can really interrupt interactive sex with another person.

– Men’s sexuality peak is 18-21.

– Women’s sexuality peak is 34-36.

70% of women are rarely or not orgasmic during intercourse

– Smoking is the most negative thing to impact sexuality (because it is vascular).

– Pain in sexuality is experienced by a large percentage of women. If you are over 50 it is the norm to use lubrication.

– Women still are not given enough permission to value erotic sex which interrupts desire.

– If infertility problems last over a year, 2/3-3/4 of these couples will have sexual dysfunction.

– Fantasy can be a bridge to increase arousal and is healthy as long as it does not become compulsive. Erotic movies can help create an atmosphere of positive anticipation. See movies to consider at the bottom of the page

-Aging & Sexuality- asks both partners to be more human, vulnerable, and sharing. Men must become less visual & learn to value sensuality more.

– 1 out of 4 young men fail in their first attempt to have intercourse.

– Gay married men is the second largest self-help group in Washington, DC after Alcoholic’s Anonymous. Check out – A support group for people whose spouses turn out to be gay or lesbian.

– People in their 50′s tend to be the happiest in their sexuality.

– By the age 40, 90% of males experience at least one erectile failure.

– The average amount of money spent on cyber-sex is $500 a month.

– Secrets about past sexuality issues are usually a problem.

-The key to healthy sexuality for men is “sex and pleasure” instead of “sex and performance”.

– Co-habitating couples have the highest rates of being non-sexual.

– 30% of men are rapid ejaculators- Read Coping With Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner & Have Great SexBy Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy.

– Aging alters sexuality, it does not stop it. Medication side effects are the biggest obstacle.

– The need for sleep is a highly interrupting force to sexuality, so have sex when you are alert and awake.

– Lack of desire is the most common female problem in sexuality.

– Sexuality needs to be positively anticipated by both partners.

– Women who are involved with men who use pumps or injections, please don’t leave the room, become a part of the process & ease the discomfort of this addition to sexuality.

– It is normal that 5-15% of sexuality is mediocre or dissatisfying.

– Almost 95% of people have had one bad sexual experience if we include dealing with STD’s, stalking/peeping, fondling, rubbing on the subway, exhibitionism, etc.

McCarthy suggests there are both positive and negative patterns to sexuality. It is important to recognize which applies to you.

The first sexuality pattern is:
Positive anticipation/Pleasure/Regular rhythm
This is the one to try to achieve.

The second sexuality pattern to steer away from is:
Anxiety/Tense Sex/Avoid & Deflect

sexuality,sensuality,improving sex life,sexuality

For Men; found in a Hong Kong Market

Sex After Pregnacy:

Article from the New York Times on restarting Desire, which is rarely addressed.

Vaginal Pain? After Menopause:

1. Try a silicone & water based hybrid (Jo is one maker) for a personal lubricant. Betty Dodson recommends natural almond oil which can be too thin for some women & K Y jelly is often too think which can obscure pleasure.

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2. Read Persistence is the Key to treating Sexual Pain by Jane Brody for the NYTimes

3. Try practicing Kaegeling exercises can restore sexual desire reminders to your body (remember anticipation is key)

4. Consider whether Vaginismus is an issue; involuntary contraction of the muscles surrounding entrance to the vagina that makes penetration painful. A workbook & practical approach is offered at

sexuality,sexualityPast Trauma does not have to spoil sexuality. If you allow past trauma to interrupt your sexuality, you are cheating yourself and your partner. By empowering yourself to heal and live a full life, you force the trauma to lose some of its power. An excellent book to help in this regard is The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Revised Edition)by Wendy Maltz.

Having wisdom about sexuality means being flexible and variable. The essence of pleasure in sex changes over time until it is more about touching and less often based on visual cues.

Books for Further Help with Sexuality

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex, Fourth Edition by Sari Locker (renowned sex expert)

What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Sexual Desire by Daniel Bergner

The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex: The Most Complete Sex Manual Ever Written by Semans, Winks & Gloeckner

Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages– A step by step program to help low-sex and no-sex marriages by Barry and Emily McCarthy

For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality& For Each Other by Lonnie Barbach

sexuality,sexualityIntimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship– by David Schnarch

The New Love and Sex After 60by Robert and Lewis Butler

Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship by David Schnarch

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationshipsby David Schnarch

Help with Sex Addiction: Anonymous

The Sex Addiction Workbook: Proven Strategies to Help You Gain Control of Your Life

A web site with Information on Sexuality: – A national non-profit organization that answers questions about sex.

A web site for Teens: – Answers all of the questions that kids are afraid to ask their parents.

Movies to Jump Start your Sexuality:

sexuality Emmanuelle (2009)
A film made in France. Rodger Ebert says “… in terms of it’s genre (soft-core skin flick) it’s very well done: lushly photographed on location in Thailand, filled with attractive and pleasing people…”

sexuality Y tu mamá también (2001)
In Mexico, two teenage boys and an older woman leave on a road trip across Mexico. They learn about friendship, life and sex in this 2001 movie

Sex & Lucia (2001)
This film was a huge hit in Spain in 2002, there is lots of sex, sensuality, and beautiful images that glow.

sexuality The Lover (1992)
Roger Ebert says this is a movie “in which beautiful actors and elegant photography provide a soft-core sensuality.” It takes place in Vietnam

sexuality Nine 1/2 Weeks (1986)
A sexual journey with Mickey Rourke & Kim Basinger from 1986

The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981)
a remake done in 1981 with Jack Nicholson & Jessica Lange

sexuality Body Heat (1981)
Is is written and directed by Lawrence Kasdan with William Hurt & Kathleen Turner. It was a NYTimes Critics Pick in 1981.

sexuality Intimacy (2001)
Mark Rylance stars in this 2001 French Film. There is sex, though the level of misery involved might temper the erotic pleasure.

Two Web Sites with Tools to Improve Your Sex Life