Married Man with a mistress; he has all the benefits of lying while she pays the price of delaying her opportunities to find someone who loves her first & foremost. Affairs with a married man cost so much and it’s easy to pretend & keep the fantasy burning bright. Who wants to face the terrible lonliness to start over? This letter was written & sent by someone who was happy to have it published in case it helps another woman find the courage to leave.

Dear Married Man;

Everything about this is wrong…

I’ll try my best to stick to taking my own inventory and owning my part in this. I own that I wanted you the minute I saw you. I own that I pursued you. I own that I ignored your words when you said, “I’m never going to leave my wife.” I own that I was persistent even when you said it was over. I own that given the opportunity to create the perfect partner, it would be you.
Now I have to own that though this is hard as hell (as tears stream down my face) I am the one that has to end this.

I thought I could handle this.
“Two consenting adults enjoying an amazing sensual and sexual relationship.”
I was wrong.
Not only was I wrong but I broke the cardinal rule and developed feelings, real feelings, deep f***ing feelings.
-I get butterflies when I anticipate seeing you.
-I’m sad when you leave.
-I want more and more of you every day.
-I worry about you when you are working.
-I think about you constantly and want to share my experiences with you.
-I want to run to you.
-I dream about you ever night.

I fantasize about us as a couple, as partners, as friends, each of us the other’s biggest fan and supporter. We would be awesome!
Then reality of being with a Married Man sets in- there will be no “us”
There will be no trips, no hand holding on the beach, no introductions to new friends, no movies, no dressing up and going out to dinner, no birthday or holiday celebrations, no walks in the park, no falling asleep and waking up in your arms.
None of it!

I’ll simply be Married Man’s lover- never anything more. I’m nothing more than a secret.

I deserve so much more.
I didn’t muster up the courage to end a 22 year loveless marriage to settle being someone’s- sometime. I’m so much better than this.

And then there is my stupidity, madness and unrealistic expectations.
Maybe he will leave her
Maybe I really am special
Is he thinking about me as much as I think about him?
If I got sick would he sit by my bedside?
If he got hurt could I sit by his bedside?
Stupid, so fucking stupid!!

So what is this? What are we? What are you?
This is an affair. We are lovers. You are an addiction and an obsession.
My sickness prevails and is winning. Addictive obsession has not been lifted and I’m certainly not practicing the principles of recovery in all of my affairs.

I’m talking clean but certainly living dirty with a married man.

I’m broken, empty and sad. I’m looking for an external fix (married man) to cure my internal pain.

How can something that feels so right be so wrong?
Your smile, your laugh, your touch excite and rekindle the ambers that remain in my heart. I listen to your voicemails, the sound of your voice makes me feel like a giddy school girl. When my head is on your chest, listening to your heart beat, it’s like time stands still. I feel safe, I feel whole and the pressures of reality vanish for just a few sacred moments. I feel peace.

We make love, we f***, we climax and orgasm. We lie in silence in each other’s arms. I caress your face, your chest, your arms and your palms. I know that you love my touch. You tell me I am the “best” you’ve ever had. You pleasure me beyond belief, taking me places I never knew existed. I memorize your face because I know it will soon be gone and I will need to resort to the memory of you (married man) in my bed.

You shower, washing away evidence of our sex and passion. As I wash you, I just want to start all over and over again in the shower. I don’t want it to end, I don’t want you to leave.
You dress and tell me not to touch, hug or kiss you as you don’t want to take my scent or any part of me with you.
You leave, you go back to her, you tell her a lie and return to your life.

As you drive away, I am overcome with sadness. I sit alone reminiscing about the amazing sex that meant something to me but was only a f*** to you. The short lived feelings of ecstasy are replaced by crushing pain, guilt and shame of being with a married man.
Reality once again sets in- you belong to another and will never be mine.
I feel like a whore.

I don’t want to do this anymore but I miss you more than you will ever know.
I have to be strong.
I am worthy of love and deserve to be more than a lie.

The thought of never seeing you again, never feeling you inside of me is too overwhelming.
I turn to the principles I have learned during my recovery.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” I say it over and over again to help halt the wave of anxiety. I know I am substituting sex with a married man for alcohol.
One day at a time…
I just don’t have to have sex with you, a married man today.

Everything about this is wrong…& I’m sending this to you because I know it must end for me to be well, in order to be really be honest for myself in recovery.

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About the Rhoda Mills Sommer

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Anonymous in NJ
Anonymous in NJ
3 years ago

An amazing letter. I wonder if she sent it and what the response was from her married man.
My husband is in involved with someone for about 7 yrs. He loves her truly. He tolerates me because he has to and I tolerate him because I have to. I want to tell him to run to her because I deserve that kind of love that she gives.



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